NY Mag declares New Jersey Most Livable Neighborhood in New York

J/k! Take the plunge into the statistical madness that is NY Magazine's Most Livable Neighborhood article.

Spoiler alert: number 1 with a bullet is the place that has everything - Slobitches, YOGs, and gang warfare. Sounds ideal to me!

I imagine they will continue to update this list as the affordability, shopping, and restaurants change every five minutes.

This YOB has a big announcement...

...he's gonna be a real boy soon! Devoted readers will recall our write up of Young Orthodox Girls (YOGs). Here we have a real live Young Orthodox Boy! I was on my phone when he asked me if I was Jewish (he was asking everyone. he's more desperate than a YOG) and when I replied with an affirming nod he began talking my ear off. The conversation went something like this:

Lodro leaving a voice message: Hey, I was just wondering what you're up to tonight...
YOB: Wanna do a prayer with me?
Lodro: ...I'm on my way to the gym and...
YOB: Hey! It only takes ten seconds!
Lodro: ...I think after I'll be pretty hungry so I was thinking...
YOB: I'm gonna walk with you. Then when you're done we can do it together!
Lodro: ...that maybe we could do Chinese, or Japanese, or something...
YOB now climbing on my back and hitting me with the lulav: I can't wait to get you more Jewish!

That's basically how it went. I left a long voicemail, he had the attention span of a 12 1/2 year old boy, and then he found a SloBitch to harrass instead (pictured above mistaking the lulav for corn and asking if it's organic/from the Park Slope Coop).

Anyway, the real boy comment is not the actual announcement. The real announcement from NYiR will be released tomorrow. It's big. Real big. So lose sleep wondering over it ok? Thanks!

SloBitches

Are you a member of the Park Slope Food Coop, wear hemp sandals, feed your child only organic veggies, breastfeed at the Tea Lounge and are mean to me/everyone? Chances are you are a Park Slope mom.

As a Park Slope resident (what what!) I've gotten used to not being able to leave my house between 2 - 4 pm as schools get out and these mothers roam the streets like zombies weighed down by whiny balls of Osh Kosh B'gosh. I live above a restaurant so I'm okay with having to step around strollers parked directly in front of my door every morning even though they could be parked next to the table and not in my way where I will purposefully kick them. I'm fine with waiting while order after order gets sent back at the local Starbucks because low fat milk was put in coffee instead of no fat (HOW DO YOU KNOW? HOW!?!?). Yet despite my immeasurable patience these women still grind my gears.

Why you may ask? Check out this story where a Park Slope mom is all like, "My kid is a brat and wants ice cream and I'm a bitch and won't give it to her so I think the best solution is for ice cream trucks to no longer exist."

Not enough for you? Then how about this one where a Park Slope mom is all "your dog weighs ten pounds and shits butterflies but I'm sure he will rip my child's face off as soon as it sees a swing set."

Is nothing sacred anymore Park Slope moms? That's it. Time for another acronym. You are stupid and annoying and you exhaust me Park Slope moms. That is why from henceforth you will be known as Stupid Annoying Park Slope Bitches Creating Really Annoying Zany Young'ins (S.A.P.S. B. C.R.A.Z.Y.). That's too long. I will just call you SloBitches. That almost sounds Jewish. Like you.

For further coverage on this important issue please visit our new friend fuckedinparkslope.com. We salute you fellow bloggity-blog! So much so that you have now joined the ranks of blogs we love to the right. We look forward to referencing you alllll the time in the future.

Models eat at Delicatessen, get foot rubs. I eat at delicatessen, get Tings.

Mark Amadei and Andrew Glassberg,

Hipster or Homeless (.com?)

According to the NY Daily News the hipsters are invading Williamsburg! Oh, wait. The homeless? Is it homeless people? But I thought they were uber-thin, wore vintage outfits and did heroin? Oh. The homeless can do that too?

Well this is going to be confusing! One homeless gentleman said, "The girls here like it that I'm dirty and I ride trains." I bet they do! In fact I bet Williamsburg is becoming heaven for homeless men in their twenties.

All of this makes me recall our post of old about lookatthisfuckinghipster.com. Maybe it's time we had a williamsburghipsterorhomeless.com? Those two blogs would end up going to war with each other over who gets to use which pic. (and yes I know that there is a lame version of hipsterorhomeless.com. but it's lame and has lame pictures that are neither hipster or homeless and clearly no one is taking that isht too seriously)

For anyone who is still confused about the difference between a homeless person and a hipster here is an educational video for you.

photo courtesy of NY Daily News

NYiR gets historical

This July 4th New York is Ridiculous declares that drastic measures be taken to facilitate our pursuit of freedom. What are we talking about? Change. A departure from your same old boring Saturday, a departure from reality, an opportunity to make a difference, to make your mark on this world and show your love for New York and your country. We're talking about a pub crawl. A time honored tradition in which one visits numerous establishments where the beer flows like wine and the antics are made legend.

In order to help you with the aforementioned activity we have noted a number of NYC establishments that seem near and dear to our historical holiday. So fellow citizens, don your tricorn hat and this July 4th let’s save America, New York City first. We'll see you there.

Your fellow patriots,
NYiR

---

Pete's Tavern: established in 1864 this is New York's oldest continuously run bar having served as a meeting place for politicians during the Prohibition.

Old Town Bar: Opened in 1892 this bar was a protected speakeasy during the Prohibition. Gentlemen: check out their giant urinals, constructed in 1910.

After leaving wave at Theodore Roosevelt's birthplace and walk by Cooper Union (most widely known for Honest Abe's Cooper Union Address against slavery) to find McSorley's Old Ale House. McSorley's was a "Men's Only" bar established in 1854 and welcomed such regulars as Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, and John Lennon. It now allows women, for better or worse.

To round out your pub crawlery we recommend our old favorite, Blue & Gold tavern. We hope you have a lovely July 4th and for you lazy louts please note that the total distance traveled throughout the day was a mere 1 mile. Enjoy and remember: friends don't let friends play with sparklers.

Union Hall Bocce League

As you can see above the authors of this blog (Ian and Lodro) take bocce ball at Union Hall very seriously. Seriously for us though means that it holds our attention for twenty minutes and then we get distracted and go to Chuck E. Cheese or something equally catering to our ADHD dynamic. However, the bocce ball league games get pretty intense at Union Hall and some people take it seriously for real.

Once a week we all gather and throw our blue balls near the white ball and get points and high five one another and pretend that we are participating in a real sports league. We sometimes even get out the tape measure in order to see whose ball is closest to what. Does that sound vaguely sexual? I can't even tell anymore. Because as co-team captain of LETHAL ELEGANCE (don't like the name? then suggest something) I have to take this game as seriously as is expected of me. Here, look:

No, not at the pretty girl (hi Lora! thanks for being a cover for this totally covert picture!). Look at the referee. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, when your bocce team perseveres for countless drunken battles and you claw your way into the finals you get a real live referee to complain to when the obnoxious tape measuring of your balls is not enough. I wouldn't know since we came in last place in the league last year but this year we will triumph and I will get in this guy's face and scream and kick the green dusty make up of the court and wave my hands in the air. Like Bo from this We Like Sportz rip-off. Speaking thereof who's in for a Monday night game? I think we need a fourth.