SloBitches

Are you a member of the Park Slope Food Coop, wear hemp sandals, feed your child only organic veggies, breastfeed at the Tea Lounge and are mean to me/everyone? Chances are you are a Park Slope mom.

As a Park Slope resident (what what!) I've gotten used to not being able to leave my house between 2 - 4 pm as schools get out and these mothers roam the streets like zombies weighed down by whiny balls of Osh Kosh B'gosh. I live above a restaurant so I'm okay with having to step around strollers parked directly in front of my door every morning even though they could be parked next to the table and not in my way where I will purposefully kick them. I'm fine with waiting while order after order gets sent back at the local Starbucks because low fat milk was put in coffee instead of no fat (HOW DO YOU KNOW? HOW!?!?). Yet despite my immeasurable patience these women still grind my gears.

Why you may ask? Check out this story where a Park Slope mom is all like, "My kid is a brat and wants ice cream and I'm a bitch and won't give it to her so I think the best solution is for ice cream trucks to no longer exist."

Not enough for you? Then how about this one where a Park Slope mom is all "your dog weighs ten pounds and shits butterflies but I'm sure he will rip my child's face off as soon as it sees a swing set."

Is nothing sacred anymore Park Slope moms? That's it. Time for another acronym. You are stupid and annoying and you exhaust me Park Slope moms. That is why from henceforth you will be known as Stupid Annoying Park Slope Bitches Creating Really Annoying Zany Young'ins (S.A.P.S. B. C.R.A.Z.Y.). That's too long. I will just call you SloBitches. That almost sounds Jewish. Like you.

For further coverage on this important issue please visit our new friend fuckedinparkslope.com. We salute you fellow bloggity-blog! So much so that you have now joined the ranks of blogs we love to the right. We look forward to referencing you alllll the time in the future.

Congratulations on being born stupid baby

New York is Ridiculous would like to congratulate guest blogger Dave Perrin and his wife Anne Keenan on making a baby. Little newyorkisridiculous.blogspot.com (actual kid's name) was born last Thursday a full eight pounds and very healthy. So congrats to Dave and Anne and as for you baby well...I imagine the first thing you did after exiting your mother's womb is look at my rant about babies. So you know how I feel about you. You know.

Open letter to the babies of this city

Dear NYC one-year-old,

You're the worst.

First off, you are loud. Not even cool loud. Annoying loud. Here I am trying to enjoy brunch and you come strolling in on your stroller and because you don't get a window seat you feel like you've got to cry about it. You came here in a stroller! That's the modern day palanquin and only goddess babies should be riding those. So why are you crying? Life isn't so hard on you.

You're crying because you just took a poop. And you want everyone to know. I'm trying to eat one-year-old. I love brunch and you ruined it. You took a shit and started wailing so your mom takes you out of your stroller and starts changing you IN THE BOOTH. That means your poop is not only in my direct line of sight it is where I sometimes sit. I don't even blame your mom though because she just wanted you to shut up. Almost as much as I did.

Secondly, you're not as cute as everyone says you are. I see your little wrinkly arms and legs. They make you look like a carrot. I don't know which NYC modeling gig you're trying to get baby but all that coke and anorexia is not good for you. I would focus on that SAT prep your parents keep pushing on you instead. I hear it's taught by Leonardo of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Third, you smell.

In conclusion, call me when you're turning two. We can have a party to celebrate the end of your wretchedness. I know a good magician for it. In the meantime, don't come to brunch. Brunch is sacred in New York.

Sincerely,
NYiR

For more information on how babies can ruin your day click here.

photo from freakingnews.com