SloBitches

Are you a member of the Park Slope Food Coop, wear hemp sandals, feed your child only organic veggies, breastfeed at the Tea Lounge and are mean to me/everyone? Chances are you are a Park Slope mom.

As a Park Slope resident (what what!) I've gotten used to not being able to leave my house between 2 - 4 pm as schools get out and these mothers roam the streets like zombies weighed down by whiny balls of Osh Kosh B'gosh. I live above a restaurant so I'm okay with having to step around strollers parked directly in front of my door every morning even though they could be parked next to the table and not in my way where I will purposefully kick them. I'm fine with waiting while order after order gets sent back at the local Starbucks because low fat milk was put in coffee instead of no fat (HOW DO YOU KNOW? HOW!?!?). Yet despite my immeasurable patience these women still grind my gears.

Why you may ask? Check out this story where a Park Slope mom is all like, "My kid is a brat and wants ice cream and I'm a bitch and won't give it to her so I think the best solution is for ice cream trucks to no longer exist."

Not enough for you? Then how about this one where a Park Slope mom is all "your dog weighs ten pounds and shits butterflies but I'm sure he will rip my child's face off as soon as it sees a swing set."

Is nothing sacred anymore Park Slope moms? That's it. Time for another acronym. You are stupid and annoying and you exhaust me Park Slope moms. That is why from henceforth you will be known as Stupid Annoying Park Slope Bitches Creating Really Annoying Zany Young'ins (S.A.P.S. B. C.R.A.Z.Y.). That's too long. I will just call you SloBitches. That almost sounds Jewish. Like you.

For further coverage on this important issue please visit our new friend fuckedinparkslope.com. We salute you fellow bloggity-blog! So much so that you have now joined the ranks of blogs we love to the right. We look forward to referencing you alllll the time in the future.

Gossip Girl

Ok I will admit it did not take much coaxing from my girlfriend to start watching this show. The ridiculous thing about it though is that while it's all nice and good to enjoy seeing teenagers get drunk and sleep around and stab each other in the back (VANESSA) the real joy comes from the fact that the whole thing takes place on the Upper East Side.

These rich teens hang out at The Box and go to Socialista and have lunch on the steps of the Metropolitan. So that's fun. Because I do those things too.

And get this: the real life cast members do those things as well. Talk about art imitating life imitating silly television shows imitating me! This means I (and other people I know) have run into the cast a trabillion times.

Never the right ones at the right time though. I think the only one I really wanna meet is Leighton Mouseters. No relation to this douchebag. That would be more like art imitating lameness incarnate imitating this dog. Or this one (j/k V! call u l8r).

Here's some do's and don't's for all you romantics out there, learned from the show.