Toys 'R Us: Where a 27 year old can be a kid

I know, NYiR fans, that Statue of Liberty didn't used to have a screen behind it. But guess what? IT'S NOT REAL! IT'S MADE OF LEGOS! Yeah, isn't that a mind freak. But there you go, welcome to the Toys 'R Us in Times Square.

Ok, it's not all LEGOs, although you have to admit the Apollo theater next to the Flatiron is pretty awesome. Wander into this fabulous land and you'll realize that A) it's not just for kids and B) toys are SO much cooler than when you were a young 'in. I highly recommend the ferris wheel:Yeah, that's Superman in the background. We're like, BFFs now. I totally helped him catch that truck. It's a good thing too considering it was merely minutes later when my girlfriend was attacked by this dinosaur in the Jurassic Park area:
It came to life and roared and moved around and it was awesome. The only not awesome part of the whole thing? This douchebag who, just because he's on all the logos, thinks he owns the place:
Geez, Geoffrey the Giraffe, were you too busy to attend the personal space seminar during employee orientation? Or is it that you're too cool for skool because your face is on all the merchandise? Somebody call security, this giraffe is a creep!

The Times Square Toys 'R Us also features a Candy Land and a booth that you can take a picture and have them photoshop you into your own puzzle. All very worth the trip and the crowds, so long as you don't have to share an elevator with that giraffe. He'd probably push his own button, look straight at you without asking to push your's, then immediately get on his cell phone to Mickey Mouse about something stupid he did at a party last night. No one cares how SHWASTED you were. Dumb giraffe.

Subway graffiti

Poor Tori Spelling. It's hard enough that she has to make a living off of how boring her life is but now every time she's in New York City she will have to suffer through the unique art of subway graffiti. Let's take this poster. Looks pretty normal right? Mom, Dad, two kids, all chilling like douchebags. But let's take a closer look:

Now how the artist knows that this guy who I presume is Tori Spelling's latest husband, is a champion at boners? Or that Tori Spelling can give head? The artist must have done a tremendous amount of research to have such insights!

Or maybe he just saw her latest tattoo and got a hint of her interests? Well thank you for this in-depth perspective on the modern-day Hollywood nuclear family Mr. or Ms. Subway Artist. I am sure Tori will feel very at home next time she visits. And that her kid's first sentence will be "dada is...a boner champ."

My apologies to those who are not used to such graphic imagery (ie non-New Yorkers). I am going to make it a rule that only crude images that are already publicly displayed will be shown on this blog. Unless my mom calls me and tells me this is gross and has to come down (hi Mom! how's Florida?).

Personally speaking I abhor this type of public art which attempts to make me think. I'm much more into direct messages like this one spotted at Hugs in Williamsburg on Saturday:

He sure does.

Gossip Girl

Ok I will admit it did not take much coaxing from my girlfriend to start watching this show. The ridiculous thing about it though is that while it's all nice and good to enjoy seeing teenagers get drunk and sleep around and stab each other in the back (VANESSA) the real joy comes from the fact that the whole thing takes place on the Upper East Side.

These rich teens hang out at The Box and go to Socialista and have lunch on the steps of the Metropolitan. So that's fun. Because I do those things too.

And get this: the real life cast members do those things as well. Talk about art imitating life imitating silly television shows imitating me! This means I (and other people I know) have run into the cast a trabillion times.

Never the right ones at the right time though. I think the only one I really wanna meet is Leighton Mouseters. No relation to this douchebag. That would be more like art imitating lameness incarnate imitating this dog. Or this one (j/k V! call u l8r).

Here's some do's and don't's for all you romantics out there, learned from the show.

Japanese Tourists

I just came back from a two month stint in Japan. Yes they do many ridiculous things themselves but the thing that baffled me the most was the number of touristy photos they would go out of their way to take. I went to Disney Sea in Tokyo (awesome, thanks for asking) and the longest line was to take a photograph with Mickey Mouse. And let's face it, Mickey's a doucebag. And hangs out with douchebags.

I've done extensive statistical analysis* and apparently New York City is the number one tourist spot for Japanese citizens ages 2-death. I imagine this statistic takes into account that one-year-olds are prejudiced assholes worldwide, but that's another post for another time.

Think about going all the way to Disney Sea (still awesome, FYI) and the one thing you really want to do is get a shot with Mickey Mouse. Now think of how much bigger the Statue of Liberty is then Mickey. At least twice as big right? Maybe even three times. So the lines there are probably two, three times as long because of Japanese tourists taking photographs. I wouldn't know about that personally; I don't think self-respecting New Yorkers go there unless they have someone from Japan to go with.

I get the going to major tourist sites though. That's all fine and good. Plus I believe every out-of-towner should have a photo of the Statue of Liberty because if you don't acknowledge Ellis Island then you're not acknowledging how all of our last names got messed up and that's just bigoted. I mean, who are you? A one year old (I should probably post something about them soon)?

Here is the mind boggling thing: Japanese tourists will take a photo of anything. I don't know what they are trying to prove. Will your friends back home not believe you rode on a subway? That you ate a meal in a restaurant? That you stood next to a tree in a park? I guess they don't have those things in Japan. Oh wait, you sort of do only it's not as cool as our's.

I can't fault the couple pictured above though. Those ceramic hats are too damn inviting. The MTA should just tile "Take photos here" in Japanese and get it over with.


* I have never done nor know how to do statistical analysis. In fact I'm not sure I even know what that means.