The Return of the Spelling

Die hard fans like yourself may recall that close to a year ago we reported on Tori Spelling's posters being defaced in subway tunnels around the city.

Well good news NYC! Tori Spelling's back with a new show and new graffiti art to match. We found this piece of art in the Carroll St F train stop.


The above gives you the basic flavor of Tori's new look. Obviously that adorable baby from before has grown up and is a total pothead:
Some of you may say, "That's despicable! He's only a child!" Hold on there Daffy Duck. Check out the pic without the blunt:

That kid looks high as f*ck. Which marketing genius thought this was a flattering photo? The kid is clearly tripping balls and thinks he's got the family maid and butler on marionette strings. I mean, what else could he possibly be doing with that gesture? Speaking of gestures, what's up with Mr. Tori Spelling?
Why would you ever pose like that? Is he ACTING? Is he doing a bollywood dance? Is he changing an imaginary light bulb? Listen Mr. Tori Spelling, you pose like that in NYC you're basically asking for this to happen:


Just like last time you remain the boner champ.

Last but not least I have to point out that Tori's head-giving abilities as espoused by the previous poster must have caught up with her because now she is a devilish and domestic sex symbol that even the dog wants to get with.

Wait, what? Her kid's a druggie and her husband fondles balls but she for some reason knows how to cook (note the serving fork), is dressed like a sexy devil and is all of a sudden attractive to other beings? Hmm...no...it couldn't be.

My god. It is. NYiR late-breaking story: Tori Spelling is the artist.

Dick Chicken emerges...on Playboy

Guess who contacted us yesterday? Did you guess Playboy? I thought you would. Now did you guess that they want me to pose for them? No? Why not? That's a bit insulting. I guess they only ask women to pose. It's okay then. We're okay.

Remember when we told you all about Dick Chicken? Well Playboy has just released the first-ever appearance of this graffiti genius on film so you, dear NYiR readers, can be the first to see him. Check out the video above. You're welcome and if you need us, we'll be chilling by the pool at the mansion with our new bunny friends.

You like other New York fan blogs better? That's a deal breaker

Deal Breaker - watch more funny videos

First thing's first: 30 Rock is funny and based in New York City. Which means we love it.

The "deal breaker" clip featured above was a big thing last season and sparked a new fun site dealbreaker.tumblr.com which spawned this little gem about getting your penis grabbed while riding the subway. Check it.

Also, whatcha think of the new background and colors? Really brightens up your day doesn't it?

It sounds like White Castle and it's equally magical

Dear Queens,

Sorry we ignore you so often on this blog. But let's face it, until recently all you had was the Beer Garden and even that was so-so. However, now that you're home to Spa Castle we will never ignore you again. We will visit you allll the time. Because Spa Castle is awesome. So now we'll blog about you again soon, promise. With our fingers crossed.

Sincerely,
NYiR


Yes it is far away. It's at the end of the 7 line on the subway. And then you walk for a bit. Then a shuttle bus picks you up and you begin to wonder if you are being taken to where the sidewalk ends. Right when you're about to hit that point you turn a corner and your heart starts racing like a kid going to somewhere kids love going to (candy stores? do kids still like candy?). You have arrived at Spa Castle. You check in and get a watch that you can now scan in exchange for food, a massage, a foot rub, whatever. So easy!

Then comes a bit of a scary part: the locker room. I guess Queens is a very liberated land because people looooove walking around with their parts out. There was one guy that was there the other day who was showing off his Bigfoot hairy body when I arrived. When I was done for the day he was still there walking around with that thing just hanging out. Put on a towel man! You look like Harry from Harry and the Hendersons! However, here's the nice addition to the locker room:

Not bad right? They have these heated pools on both the men's and the women's side.

Ok, now you've braved Chewbacca and had a quiet dip in the pool. Head upstairs for the steam room and sauna level:

Nice right? Much nicer than any other steam rooms I've been in while living in New York City. Check out this light therapy steam room:
Yeah that's some Dark Side of the Moon shit right there. So you've been sweating a lot, why not head to the next floor for some pool time? You walk up and then the most magical part of the whole experience arises:
Start with the hinoki tub. It's jets will get you all relaxed before you go into the bade pool (listen, I didn't name this stuff, "bade" is clearly "hit you with water real hard" in Korean). Each little nook of these pools has touch activated jets that will come on and shoot directly into a different part of your body. One nook is designed to shoot jets that massage your feet and legs, another your back, another your neck and shoulders. A personal favorite is the one that you stand under and it just shoots water onto your head like a waterfall.

At the end of your pool time make sure you grab some of their delicious food. Man, I'm getting antsy and hungry just thinking about all this. F it, I'm going there now. See you all next week. I'm gonna chill with Chewbacca in the hot tub now.

Bath houses are great for morning afters

The best cure for a hangover in NYC has got to be the bathes. Be they Russian, Turkish, or Jewish (yes, Jewish) the best thing to do for yourself is get a bloody mary from the SoHo Grand and once refueled go sweat out every bad decision you made the night before.

My personal Manhattan-based favs are the Wall St Bath & Spa and the Russian and Turkish Baths. Let's explore:

Wall St Bath & Spa is the sorta place you can take that girl/guy/vacuum cleaner that ended up in your bed last night to smooth the transition into the daylight hours and see if she/he/it is at all interesting/interested in you. Bring a magazine and plan on staying for hours and hours because all you'll do is want to go back and forth from the steam rooms to the jacuzzi/pool area. Sounds nice right? If you're a cigar enthusiast I highly recommend the smoking lounge where you can feel totally ludicrous sitting in the fancy leather chairs while wearing your swim trunks.

The Russian and Turkish Baths are a little more...hardcore. I imagine that's where the above Abu Ghraibesque photo was taken. There's no luxurious jacuzzi tub, just the cold dip pool you can pop into between steam rooms which makes you have past-life flashbacks of when you were a penguin and all your other penguin friends knocked you off of the ice and into the water. Still it's somehow a nice thing to do in between sweats.

Then there's the guys that walk around and offer to beat you (hello Chris Brown, job opportunity!!!). As their website states, "Lie down while in the Russian Room and a platza specialist will scrub you (actually beat you) with a broom made of fresh oak leaves, sopping with olive oil soap. The oak leaves contain a natural astringent, which will open your pours, remove toxins, and actually take off layers of dead skin. Some described the platza as 'Jewish acupuncture.'" I won't touch that last line it's too good already.

My friend Dave got a treat one time while at the Russian and Turkish Baths. While changing in the locker room a man came up to him and offered a sample massage. Dave took him up on that and...well...at that point I had to leave because of the noises he was making. That and the fact that I was giggling. That guy definitely did not work there Dave. But hey, a massage is a massage right? Guy time!


photo courtesy of TimeOut New York

Sperm spa treatments

This week we have decided to devote all three posts entirely to spas. Spa Week!

Now everyone knows that New York is Ridiculous loves seamen so but apparently at Townhouse Spa you can receive a facial that is not unlike every pornographic movie ever. According to New York Magazine spermine, an anti-oxident found in human sperm, has been proven to smooth out your wrinkles. So you can go to the Townhouse Spa and ask for a spermine facial. Oh yes. A spermine facial. It will cost you $250.

I went to their website but could not find which facial included the semen extract being rubbed all over your face. As a result I am going to guess it is the "Townhouse Glow Facial." Because after you receive it your face will glow. Under a blacklight. And because they finish with a "hydrating hand treatment." Who's hands and what are they treating? Anyone's guess. For my part I'll just stick to Townhouse's $175 snail-secretion facial. That's more my level of kink.

NYC Prep kids f*ck anything that moves, soccer balls get lucky

Look at how cute and young they are! Nothing against the Gossip Girl cast but these kids from the reality TV show NYC Prep are ACTUALLY 15-17! Not 3,124 (Ed Westwick). I like that they tried to get an Ed Westwick/Chuck character here though (third from right). Look at how badass he is. He wears scarves. And is moody. And, like Ed Westwick, he may or may not be gay (NSFW LMAO U QT PI!).

Also, while the cast of Gossip Girl may sleep with one another before falling into exhaustive cuddling and drama these tweens just f*ck anything that moves. There's one scene where Sebastian (second from the left) and Taylor (far right) are taking a walk in the snow and kicking a soccer ball. Taylor, age 15, gets sorta confused and you worry for a second that she might start making out with the soccer ball just because it's more active than the douche she's walking with.

If you want to watch one episode to try NYC Prep out go for number 3 where Chamille (third from the left) is on a date with some random dude she doesn't like and keeps telling him he's annoying then gets in a cab to blow him on the way back to his place. Seriously. I still would be fine hanging out with Leighton Mouseters of Gossip Girl but if I ever see someone from NYC Prep I'm covering myself in saran wrap and checking into the nearest STD clinic. But enough about me. Check the video below for a funny introduction to these kids.

Subway graffiti

Poor Tori Spelling. It's hard enough that she has to make a living off of how boring her life is but now every time she's in New York City she will have to suffer through the unique art of subway graffiti. Let's take this poster. Looks pretty normal right? Mom, Dad, two kids, all chilling like douchebags. But let's take a closer look:

Now how the artist knows that this guy who I presume is Tori Spelling's latest husband, is a champion at boners? Or that Tori Spelling can give head? The artist must have done a tremendous amount of research to have such insights!

Or maybe he just saw her latest tattoo and got a hint of her interests? Well thank you for this in-depth perspective on the modern-day Hollywood nuclear family Mr. or Ms. Subway Artist. I am sure Tori will feel very at home next time she visits. And that her kid's first sentence will be "dada is...a boner champ."

My apologies to those who are not used to such graphic imagery (ie non-New Yorkers). I am going to make it a rule that only crude images that are already publicly displayed will be shown on this blog. Unless my mom calls me and tells me this is gross and has to come down (hi Mom! how's Florida?).

Personally speaking I abhor this type of public art which attempts to make me think. I'm much more into direct messages like this one spotted at Hugs in Williamsburg on Saturday:

He sure does.