Oh yeah, this naked exhibit is still going on...

“I waited eight hours and the dumb bitch in front of me sat with her until MoMA closed!

I just wanted to cry. I just wanted to cry in front of Marina Abramovic.”

Thanks for reminding me, rosadelauroisafuckinghipster.tumblr.com, or I would have forgotten to tell everyone that Marina Abramović: The Artist Is Present is in its last week at MoMA.

I recommend starting out by watching people sit there across the table while Marina doesn't even have the good manners to say "Hello." Yeah. She sits at a table and anyone can just walk up, sit down across from her, and demand an autograph. She won't do it though. Here's a live video feed so you can watch her totally blow off her fans.

When you're bored of watching someone sit still all day long calling it performance art go check out all the naked people reliving her glory days when she would actually do stuff like lie naked on top of a skeleton. Def worth the admission fee.

For you LOST fans out there...

We all know the bad news: the beloved TV show LOST ends next week. After the series finale five million fans will exclaim, "THAT'S IT? THAT'S IT?!?" and go on a Frankensteinesque rampage through our cities, ending civilization as we know it.

Before that happens you might be interested in checking out the Vilcek Foundation's LOST exhibit. It opens today and celebrates the artists and filmmakers behind LOST. The primary focus seems to be the images and biographies of 20 immigrant and first-generation contributors to the hit television show, including Executive Producer Carlton Cuse, writer Melinda Hsu Taylor, actor Jorge Garcia (Hurley), and cinematographer John Bartley.

Yeah. I know. All five seasons I've been wondering what made Melinda Hsu Taylor tick too. In my opinion, the real draw of the exhibit is the abundance of original props from the show. For a preview of what they're featuring check out this short video. The Vilcek Foundation is located at 167 East 73rd St.

Weekend Bulletin

You missed these didn't you? Here's what's what this weekend:

It's ASIA WEEK in the city. You didn't know that did you? God, you can be so culturally insensitive sometimes. J/k. How would you know? It's the first annual Asia Week New York, a collaboration between 294723098 museums that focus on Asian art and culture. Even if you're hungover and can't walk further than your local bagel place this weekend you'll probably still be able to catch an event or showing on the way; they're everywhere. Click the link for more deets.

Not in the mood for Chinese? How about the new Gossip Girl tour? On this three and a half hour tour of the Upper East Side you can "get spotted" at the kids' high school, shop at Henri Bendel, and (I love this part) sit on the steps of the Met JUST LIKE THEY DO ON THE SHOW! Meet at noon at 51st St and Madison Ave and experience the magic that is a mundane Upper East Side lifestyle.

At night I'd recommend checking out Annie's Shakespeare Showdown because A) when was the last time you went to a Shakespearian coming out party and B) I dated Annie for two months sophomore year of high school (true story). There's live music, burlesque dancers, drinks, and the actors are wandering around schmoozing with you so you can drunkenly hit on Romeo just like your English teacher would've wanted you to. (at China One, 8-10 pm each night this weekend)

Because Times Square wasn't scary enough

Gazillions of tourists come to New York City each year. The lines are too long for the boat that takes you to see Lady Liberty and museums are BORING after a few hours so the ADHD tourists flock to Times Square. There they can see how expensive Broadway shows are and watch billboards flicker by. And soon enough they will be able to be take home the magic of Sea World while in the belly of the beast of New York.

That's right folks, there's plans afoot for a seven-story aquarium to come to 11 Times Square. As early as September 2011 you will be able to take your out-of-town cousin to be terrified by illegal Obama ads and killer whales who may or may not eat their trainers AT THE SAME TIME. Afterward go see if that prick of a giraffe at Toys R Us will try to talk you into coming to his bday partay at Dave and Busters. All this excitement in just a few blocks. What a city.

Museum of Modern Art? More like Museum of Monkey Art

Yes, I realize I made that joke last time I poked fun at MoMa. But this time I mean it. Monkeys really could do some of this stuff. Let's take the piece above. What is it? A slide showing tiny life forms artfully arranged? An open-ended dream catcher meant to signify the uninhibited status of the American dream? A mirror reflecting the viewer's own beauty? No. It's a yogurt cap.

This piece at MoMa, entitled "Yogurt caps," takes up a full room. With four yogurt caps. One on each wall. This is a tribute to the artist's first exhibition in a commercial space in New York City where he showed this piece some fifteen years ago. For years Gabriel Orozco has been praised for the ballsy move of displaying these everyday objects as art for his first major show.

However, it does make me come back to my point about the monkeys. If you happen to own one can you bring it and some weed over and we can get the monkey high? I'll arrange for him to have a major gallery show the next day. I'm 99% sure he would watch Spongebob Squarepants for the first 23 hours then freak out, grab some yogurt from my fridge and say he has a genius idea. Well, a bunch of them, but he's gonna start by displaying yogurt lids on a wall. Then as soon as he leaves we can turn to one another and say, "Man, that monkey was a real douche." Then we'd go to his show and praise his "appetite for risk" just like MoMa did. Looks more like a case of the munchies to me.

Who Shot Rock and Roll? Probs these kids

We must make a sudden departure from our The Met is Ridiculous series due to the really neato exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum. New York is Ridiculous attended the opening primarily to hear their surprise act, BLONDIE (I know, right? Yes, yes, they still rock even though they're in their fifties). The real surprise of the night was just how good the photo exhibit was. From their website:

The exhibition is in six sections: rare and revealing images taken behind the scenes; tender snapshots of young musicians at the beginnings of their careers; exhilarating photographs of live performances that display the energy, passion, style, and sex appeal of the band on stage; powerful images of the crowds and fans that are often evocative of historic paintings; portraits revealing the soul and creativity, rather than the surface and celebrity, of the musicians; and conceptual images and album covers highlighting the collaborative efforts between the image makers and the musicians.

The magic comes from just how intimate these photographers were with their subjects. You can see Kurt Cobain in tears slumped backstage after a particularly emotional set, Jay Z and P. Diddy texting side by side, or Buddy Holly just spacing out on his bus after a show. You really ought to go see this show. The suggested contribution is $10 (take THAT Met).

NYiR recommends you go to Rock Out on November 7th. On the early side there's some indie rock groups from the 'hood, a meet and greet with the curator, a showing of Purple Rain and then after 9 pm DJ Evil Dee will spin a bunch of the artists who's photos are being shown including Michael Jackson, Jimi Hendrix, James Brown, Chuck Berry, and Jay-Z.

photo by Barry Feinstein (American, born 1931). Bob Dylan with Kids, Liverpool, England, 1966 (printed 2009). Gelatin silver print. Courtesy Barry Feinstein

The Metropolitan Museum of Fine Art hosts Lady Robots for their Along Came Polly exhibit

In our second installment in our Metropolitan Museum of Fine Art series we will take a look at the Model as Muse installation. In particular this piece which features the dresses from the movie Qui êtes-vous, Polly Maggoo? That translates from the French to mean "How much aluminum alloy can you wear and did you enjoy the film Along Came Polly?"

In the youtube clip linked to above you can see that the plot of the movie revolves around an evil genius building lady robots to attack a defenseless igloo village. Trust me that's the plot. I'm fluent in French. And by "fluent" I mean I have excellent pronounciation when I ask people if they are super excited to see Spiderman 3. They pronounce it "Speederman" there which makes Peter Parker sound Jewish and that, frankly, is delightful.

However, evil genius, I have to point out that my friend Rio had this idea a WHOLE YEAR AGO. See?
She can even fly because she built a cape onto her robot body. Rio even got a Fullbright to pursue her research in Africa. Did you get a Fullbright Mr. Evil Genius? I thought not. I. Thought. Not.

Gallery shows

If you move to New York City and have a friend or the capacity to make a friend you will undoubtedly be invited to an art gallery show within your first week. You might get all excited. You might say, "Yeah! This is why I moved to this city. To be in the hub of culture and art!" And you, my friend, are in for a treat.

Here are some things I have learned in my short time in New York City:

1) The art community does not need to eat or sleep. They just live off of Charlie Shaw wine.
2) Don't ask what the theme of the show will be. You will never understand.
3) If it is a photo exhibit the work reflects the effect globalization has had on migrant workers in Alaska. Yet somehow each photo was shot at Coney Island or Central Park...
4) ...unless the artist owns a backpack in which case avoid the room that has seats in it because there will be a slide show.
5) Do not be surprised if you leave the gallery saying, "Maybe I should do some art. I could do some cool stuff like that!" Everyone else left and thought the same thing. Yet after going to one of these shows a week you become glad you never acted on the impulse.

With all of that said some gallery shows can be fun and once in a blue moon you find a piece that actually moves you. Like the in-depth commentary about underwear above. I think it was done by Japanese tourists though.

The Metropolitan Museum of Fine Art and Dominican habits

Because the Metropolitan Museum of Fine Art spans three miles over New York City and is ripe for ridicule I've decided this is the first of many posts related to the fine museum. Today we will go in depth with Paul Cezanne's "Dominique Aubert, the Artist's Uncle, as a Monk."

Get this world: Cezanne couldn't find a real live monk so he calls up his uncle to play the part. Now imagine me saying this in my French accent which sounds distinctly like a Jamaican accent: Cezanne's all like, "Uncle Dominique, I'm gonna make you famous mon." Uncle Dominique gets all psyched because he knows that one day he'll be hanging in the Met. He's like, "Awesome, I'll be right over mon."

Dominique gets there and Cezanne's like, "Listen...I need you to play dress up for me." Then, according to the little plaque alongside this portrait, Dominique Aubert "posed in a Dominican habit." Dominique, have you ever even seen a Dominican before? Their habits include smoking cigars, lounging on the beach, and drinking Presidente. They do not include being all pissed off!

Why are you so bummed out anyway? Is it because you thought you were going to be famous for being you but instead had to dress up to be someone? Or is it because you're worried about your rent stabilized situation on the Upper East Side? Or is it because you're immortally stuck indoors during the Dominican Day Parade? I'm gonna go ahead and assume it's the parade. Good luck with that. I'll pour some Brugal out for you in August.

New York City museums

The weekend is coming up so I thought it would be a good idea to write about how MoMa (the Museum of Monkey Art you unsophisticated person you) has free admission every Friday. However, don't get all excited by that link to the museum. You're not really going to see boobs.

In fact the only type of art that MoMa features on Fridays looks like the brilliant piece above. That doesn't look special to you? You think you could have made it? Here, get closer to it:


You don't get it? Geez. Take an art class. Let's get right up in front of it:

Now you get it right? Of course you do. It's awesome. So check out MoMa. But don't expect boobs.