The Lighting District

When you tell someone you live in New York City there are two possible options:
1) They don't live in New York. In this case they say, "Oh, where abouts?" and you can say, "Brooklyn" and they will say "Ah! How quaint."
2) They live in New York. In this case they will say "Where?" and you will have to tell them the borough, neighborhood, street address, and notable restaurants that are nearby.

For example if you met someone new at a bar in Manhattan and they asked you where you lived you would say: Brooklyn. "Where abouts in Brooklyn?" Fort Greene. "Where in Fort Greene." N. Oxford. "Oh, you mean S. Oxford." No, no. N. Oxford. "What's that near?" An awesome Halloween party. Then, "Ah! How quaint. My sister lived in Fort Greene 20 years ago." Then you talk about that.

However, out of all of the many neighborhoods and sub-neighborhoods and streets and districts one can be deemed more ridiculous than all the others in New York: The Lighting District.

For those of you who are not from New York, this is not a red light district. No, this is a district devoted to lighting. Light bulbs, light fixtures, light switches, and those light paper lanterns that you see at Urban Outfitters.

It was formerly a chunk of Manhattan. Over time this whole internet shopping thing has caught on and that, matched with greedy developers trying to ruin quaint neighborhoods (see? I do it too) has led to a downturn in the lighting fixture industry's presence in the city. The lighting district is now only Bowery St. between Grand and Broome.

If you do live in New York City you may have stumbled across it as it's inches from all the bars and clubs of the Lower East Side. You may not have realized at all and, in your drunken stupor, thought the Lighthouse a nautical themed club. No, it sells chandeliers.

If you do happen to stumble across the lighting district please buy a light bulb in order to keep these places in business. Preserve historical/ridiculous New York! Or something.

BREAKING NEWS: Another ridiculous thing - a lady gave birth on the L train today. Click here for the story.

La Bagel Delight...because using the masculine "el" would be incorrect spanish

Let's forget for a moment that there is absolutely no reason for the "la" on the title of this place to exist and focus on how wonderful the bagels are. I'm not going to say they're the best bagels in New York City (for fear of bagel snobs stoning me with three-day old sesames) but they are certainly awesome. There's five locations (122 Seventh Avenue,284 Seventh Avenue, 90 Court Street, 104 Front Street and 73 Lafayette Avenue). That's right observant fans, two of those La Bagel Delights are on my street. I go to both. They are both awesome.

While the bagels are all fine and good it's the employees that make this place a favorite spot. You walk up to pay and the cashier goes, "Want my cat?" And someone from across the store will run over and say, "You don't want her cat, man; it's ugly. It's an ugly cat." Then each employee will come out of some hiding spot to weigh in about whether or not you should adopt this woman's cat while you quietly chuckle with your five dollar bill held out as if asking for mercy.

The Jane has two weeks before ADHD NYC moves on

People don't call other people in New York City. They text. And I have 32423542 text messages from people saying "Do u want 2 go 2 the Jane 2nite? It will b kewl." God I hate those text messages, unless they are ironic in which case they are hilarious.

Anyway I guess The Ballroom at the Jane Hotel is where all the same people who ran The Beatrice Inn into the ground now go. I liked the Beatrice until it closed, even though they wouldn't let me dance on table tops. Apparently I'm not Lindsay Lohan. I did not know that before. I did not know.

In early July I was at a party and this guy was all like, "Let's go to Jane St" like everyone and their mom knew about the Jane. Even though it opened three weeks earlier. So we went because supposedly it's the hippest joint in all da land. And because ALLLL the celebs go there. And because it's been described as "the type of living room where the Royal Tenenbaums would host their family reunion" and who doesn't love family reunions?

You know what? It's okay. Just okay. Yes "the Jane," you have two floors and a DJ but your drinks are expensive and everyone there is trying too damn hard. You're the type of place where everyone is talking to someone but looking over their shoulder looking for someone better to talk to. All you have going for you is that you are a big open space and decent bouncers who make sure that only 10% of that space gets occupied. So maybe you're not okay. In fact, you make me sick Jane St.

But not for long. Because you know what? We New Yorkers have ADHD when it comes to places like you. You are just another club in a far off location that people will get drunk and go to in the hopes of it being awesome but just like every New Year's Eve in the history of time they will leave anti-climaxed, disappointed, throw up at home and wake up thinking that they must have had an awesome time. That works on us New Yorkers once, the Jane. Twice tops. Ok, maybe five times. But that's it.

I give you two months.

Also, for those of you who are thinking "Oh, a nice hotel! I should stay there and have cocktails at their ballroom and maybe see Ed Westwick" I invite you to view this video. Apparently they blare a haunted house tape throughout their hallways. SCARY...

Gallery shows

If you move to New York City and have a friend or the capacity to make a friend you will undoubtedly be invited to an art gallery show within your first week. You might get all excited. You might say, "Yeah! This is why I moved to this city. To be in the hub of culture and art!" And you, my friend, are in for a treat.

Here are some things I have learned in my short time in New York City:

1) The art community does not need to eat or sleep. They just live off of Charlie Shaw wine.
2) Don't ask what the theme of the show will be. You will never understand.
3) If it is a photo exhibit the work reflects the effect globalization has had on migrant workers in Alaska. Yet somehow each photo was shot at Coney Island or Central Park...
4) ...unless the artist owns a backpack in which case avoid the room that has seats in it because there will be a slide show.
5) Do not be surprised if you leave the gallery saying, "Maybe I should do some art. I could do some cool stuff like that!" Everyone else left and thought the same thing. Yet after going to one of these shows a week you become glad you never acted on the impulse.

With all of that said some gallery shows can be fun and once in a blue moon you find a piece that actually moves you. Like the in-depth commentary about underwear above. I think it was done by Japanese tourists though.

Fleet Week

New York is overflowing with sea...sailors. Sorry about that. Seriously, these fine men and women of the sea swamped the city last week. And boy did they pull tail. To get down to the bottom of this phenomenon I sat down with NYC sailing expert Marina K for an in-depth interview.

NYiR: So Marina, in your expert opinion, what is it about sailors that make them so successful with the ladies?
Marina K: They are wearing costumes.

That gets to the heart of it. For more analysis I took aside one of the sailors to ask him some very pointed questions while Marina blushed into her $4 top shelf scotch (Blue & Gold on e. 7th - more info about that to be posted soon).

NYiR: Now you sir are a sailor are you not?
Drunken Sailor: Oh yeah I am! Fleet week!
NYiR: Indeed. How many times do you dock and have these sorts of weeks?
DS: I usually get three, maybe four a year.
NYiR: And the ladies seem to enjoy your uniform. I imagine, and please correct me if I'm wrong, but does that mean that during a week such as this you would go home with many women?
DS: You see that booth over there? (pointing to from whence he came) I could take home any one of those four girls. All I've got to do is put my hat on them and they melt.
NYiR: That is indeed a fancy trick. And it works?
DS: Every time.

So ladies (and I imagine this goes for gentlemen too) - go do your country proud and get a sailor to loan you their hat. You too can melt! To everyone who has worn the hat this week in NYC, consider yourself saluted.

Oh, and a hot tip for anyone thinking about just renting a costume to get laid: it doesn't always work.

People talking about the subway

The subway system in this city is amazing. You know how I know that? Because New Yorkers won't shut up about it. When you go to meet a friend at a bar the first question they will ask you is, "What subway did you take?" It doesn't matter if your grandmother was just run over by a reindeer they will ask about the subway. This is a relief because then you can have a great conversation all about whether it was the best way to go, which stop is closest to where, and other boring things that make you feel like you have something in common. Thank you MTA for giving match.com dates something to bond over.

photo from allposters.com