Weekend Bulletin!

Thanks and praises be to the lovely Victoria Gerstman for writing up this weekend's bulletin of events. She is cool and you should take her advice. I often do.

Tonight, dig out your most outrageous duds and pay tribute to New York's unofficial spokeswoman at the The Flame Monster Ball at Mix in Astoria [editor's note: I know, it's Queens. Just keep an open mind for once in your life]. The clientele at Mix aren't exactly known for their restraint [editor's note: neither are you], so tonight's event should be one heck of a time whether you're a Lady Gaga enthusiast or not (do you see how I resisted saying goo goo for Gaga? Do you?)

On Friday and Saturday nights you'll have the once in a lifetime (maybe, probably not) chance to catch Ben Bailey from Cash Cab doing stand up at Comix. Wait. You don't know what Cash Cab is? Why, it is only the most important television show of our time. After Jersey Shore, that is. [last editor's note for realsies: you need to click on that link] Anyway, Ben Bailey is bound to be hilarious.



Saturday evening also brings us the 2nd Annual Cassoulet Cookoff at Jimmy's No. 43. Nothing like a fancy French version of stew to warm your winter-weary bones.

If snobby French stew doesn't quite do it for you, cut your losses and head to the Tribeca 92Y for a Muppets Take Manhattan Sing-a-long. I almost didn't want to tell you guys about this, cuz I don't want to fight the crowds. But I am nice, so here are the details.

When you're done sleeping off your Sunday morning Muppet-hangover, pop over to the NY Historical Society for everyone's favorite way to spend a day - a murder mystery! What fun!

It may be a three day weekend, but that doesn't mean you should spend the whole day on your ratty sofa, reading NYiR archives. Instead, do that, and then get yourself into Manhattan for an MLK-themed walking tour. Led by eighth graders (aww)! Meet at the Ghandi statue in Union Square at 10 am for "A Peace of the Dream: Living MLK's Dream in a Turbulent World."

NYiR's 100th post: The Jersey Shore

Okay, let's call a spade a spade. New Jersey is sorta a part of New York City. I mean, it's just as much a suburb as Westchester, only dirtier and no one actually wants to live there. How many times have you run into a friend at a party in Manhattan and you ask what's new and after exhausting every topic under the sun they mutter, "Oh yeah, I moved last week." Where? "New Jersey." Then they launch into a diatribe about how it's not that far and it's just as close a commute as Brooklyn and how you wouldn't believe the space you can get for the money. It's just sad really.

However, there is a bright side. Since New Jersey is sorta part of New York City we can lay claim to the best show since Six Feet Under. Just kidding, that show got pretentious. I digress. The best NYC-based show of 2009 is... (drum roll please) a three way tie between Gossip Girl, NYC Prep, and Jersey Shore. And 30 Rock. I forgot 30 Rock.

The Jersey Shore is a brand new Real World-esque MTV show that takes eight self-professed guidos and guidettes and puts them in a house together on the Jersey shore. They work selling t-shirts to pay rent and drink and work out and show off their abs and then go home and eat ham.

For example, take a look at JWoww (yes, she calls herself JWoww):



And now, for an introduction to the cast of the best thing to happen to Jersey since Springstein:




Taa-daaaaa. Oh, btw, the cast was at Marquee last night. Marquee. Ha.

The Lighting District

When you tell someone you live in New York City there are two possible options:
1) They don't live in New York. In this case they say, "Oh, where abouts?" and you can say, "Brooklyn" and they will say "Ah! How quaint."
2) They live in New York. In this case they will say "Where?" and you will have to tell them the borough, neighborhood, street address, and notable restaurants that are nearby.

For example if you met someone new at a bar in Manhattan and they asked you where you lived you would say: Brooklyn. "Where abouts in Brooklyn?" Fort Greene. "Where in Fort Greene." N. Oxford. "Oh, you mean S. Oxford." No, no. N. Oxford. "What's that near?" An awesome Halloween party. Then, "Ah! How quaint. My sister lived in Fort Greene 20 years ago." Then you talk about that.

However, out of all of the many neighborhoods and sub-neighborhoods and streets and districts one can be deemed more ridiculous than all the others in New York: The Lighting District.

For those of you who are not from New York, this is not a red light district. No, this is a district devoted to lighting. Light bulbs, light fixtures, light switches, and those light paper lanterns that you see at Urban Outfitters.

It was formerly a chunk of Manhattan. Over time this whole internet shopping thing has caught on and that, matched with greedy developers trying to ruin quaint neighborhoods (see? I do it too) has led to a downturn in the lighting fixture industry's presence in the city. The lighting district is now only Bowery St. between Grand and Broome.

If you do live in New York City you may have stumbled across it as it's inches from all the bars and clubs of the Lower East Side. You may not have realized at all and, in your drunken stupor, thought the Lighthouse a nautical themed club. No, it sells chandeliers.

If you do happen to stumble across the lighting district please buy a light bulb in order to keep these places in business. Preserve historical/ridiculous New York! Or something.

BREAKING NEWS: Another ridiculous thing - a lady gave birth on the L train today. Click here for the story.

Long Island

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Long Island Wants to Secede
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Jason Jones in Iran

Big news: Long Island finally wants to succeed at something. Wait, what's that? Oh, they want to secede. Well, that's big news too.

Now I have to admit as a newbie in New York City I haven't entirely pieced together what Long Island is. I think part of it exists at Libation, part of it exists in Italian men in a super tight v-necks, and the rests exists in a land of ridicule created by New Yorkers. Is that right? According to the video above though they seem to be the dicks of NYC and want to beat up New Jersey or Ireland, whichever is closer.

I don't have many Italian man friends in super tight v-necks so in order to explore Long Island I went to Libation one night with my friend Ian (hi Ian! thanks for taking care of my dog!). We met some young ladies who admitted to being "bridge and tunnel" girls. At first I thought that was a sexual thing but since they were all 24 and married I assumed it refers to their eating habits or something.

I'll leave you with a koan: why is Long Island undesirable to live in yet a desirable location to vacation? Someone has to explain that to me. I just don't get you Long Island. Good luck on secession, assuming you exist.