In NYC anyone can be a white person when they grow up

Or so goes the tale of Billy Elliot. Billy Elliot is a Broadway show about a predominantly white mining town and the one kid of color that they all pin their hopes and dreams to, knowing that one day if he works hard enough he too can become Caucasian. That's my take away from the musical. Let me introduce you to three of the kids who play Billy depending on the night:

This is Dayton Taveres.

This is Liam Redhead (yes, really).

This is Alex Ko. First off, why so many kids for the one show? Did they have a tough middle-schoolesque audition and didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings? Did they all gather around the casting director who said, "The part of Billy goes to........ALL YOU GUYS! You were all so great!" and they all went out to TGIFridays after?

I am totally fine if they want to cast a non-white Billy. Awesome. Let talent shine. But seriously Broadway, could you not cast at least a mother to Billy (who has all of 20 lines in the show) that looked remotely like the kid?

My personal favorite ridiculous moment is when Billy has a dance with his future self. Note: dance. No lines. Yet someone thought, "Eh. Let's just cast a white guy." So you have this little African-American kid dancing with who he will become in twenty years and the only recognizable difference is that Billy has undergone extensive Michael Jackson whitening surgery.

I think there was something about mining strikes and family in this musical but the main lesson remains: if you dance your heart out you will end up white.

It's exactly what it looks like

Mayor Bloomberg appeared in fully hippie gear on Saturday night to sing along with the cast of "Hair" at a charity dinner put on by Inner Circle to raise money for dozens of causes, such as the Coalition for the Homeless, the Museum of the City of New York and the American Heart Association. In typical "mayor does charity" fashion he took a good ribbing and made cracks about bringing down the crime rate such as, "I've already brought crime down at frat parties. Peeing in the bushes has dropped 15 percent." HiLARious.

The crème-de-la-crème was when Snooki and The Situation from The Jersey Shore waltzed on-stage, clearly as confused as everyone else as to why they were there, dressed in their usual guido gear. I'm pretty sure they had no clue they were on-stage, what "Hair" was, or what a Bloomberg is. When asked how he felt about the homeless situation in the city of New York Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino lifted up his shirt and pointed at his abs.

Weekend Bulletin

You missed these didn't you? Here's what's what this weekend:

It's ASIA WEEK in the city. You didn't know that did you? God, you can be so culturally insensitive sometimes. J/k. How would you know? It's the first annual Asia Week New York, a collaboration between 294723098 museums that focus on Asian art and culture. Even if you're hungover and can't walk further than your local bagel place this weekend you'll probably still be able to catch an event or showing on the way; they're everywhere. Click the link for more deets.

Not in the mood for Chinese? How about the new Gossip Girl tour? On this three and a half hour tour of the Upper East Side you can "get spotted" at the kids' high school, shop at Henri Bendel, and (I love this part) sit on the steps of the Met JUST LIKE THEY DO ON THE SHOW! Meet at noon at 51st St and Madison Ave and experience the magic that is a mundane Upper East Side lifestyle.

At night I'd recommend checking out Annie's Shakespeare Showdown because A) when was the last time you went to a Shakespearian coming out party and B) I dated Annie for two months sophomore year of high school (true story). There's live music, burlesque dancers, drinks, and the actors are wandering around schmoozing with you so you can drunkenly hit on Romeo just like your English teacher would've wanted you to. (at China One, 8-10 pm each night this weekend)

Sexy times at the Standard Hotel

Remember when we gave you that enlightening piece about the High line and how all these people now have to put up curtains so tourists don't catch them making the beast with two backs? Well apparently the Standard Hotel, which straddles the High line, has up until now invited people to make the beast with nine, twelve, or however many backs you can fit into a non-smoking double.

Previously the hotel ran ads inviting guests to stay there while it was still under construction. The ads read, “We’ll put up with your banging if you put up with ours.” Soon enough neighbors began to comment that they saw all sorts of shenanigans in the big open windows. “Lights, leather, chains. Everything," said the owner of a meat co-op (ironic much?).

One guest apparently was turned down when they sauntered up to the front desk and said something akin to, "How much for an orgy?" The man at the front desk must have been new because he said that a maximum of three guests are allowed to stay in a room. Don't worry though, the hotel won't be reneging on it's rep as the go-to sex haven. A hotel rep said, "Whoa! There must have been a misunderstanding. We'll investigate further."

photo courtesy of gawker.com

Dear Hollywood, We stole your celebrities. Sincerely, Broadway

While many of us have felt the effects of the economic crash no one has been hit quite as hard as celebrity map vendors in Hollywood. Why? Because every single f-ing celebrity is on Broadway right now. Remember hearing something about Jude Law starring as Hamlet? Yeah, that was like feeling the first drop of rain in a storm. Get out your umbrellas New Yorkers because here's a quick list of people roaming Times Square after dark:

Hugh Jackman and Daniel Craig are in a two man show a la Brokeback Mountain but with Wolverine and 007
Sienna Miller (because she can't quit her JLaw)
James Gandolfini (as a Wild Thing)
Susan Sarandon
Katie Holmes (she doesn't know she's acting and not in a lab somewhere)
Will Ferrell
Christopher Walkin (catch him after a show and he will recreate the entire Weapon of Choice video)
Lucy Liu
Angela Lansbury
Catherine Zeta-Jones
Vanessa Williams (yes she still exists)
Alicia Silverstone
Aaron Tveit (Tripp Van der Bilt from Gossip Girl, hello?)

We're sorry Hollywood, but all your celebrities are ours now. The only downside is that this means I will never get a turn playing Mary Poppins.

image courtesy of thefastertimes.com

Do I smell a "Look at these fucking meditators" website brewing?

Earlier this week a group of meditators from the Interdependence Project sat in the pathways in the Port Authority Subway station during rush-hour. The best line from the event was when the NYPD came by and attempted to break it up by saying "Sorry guys, you can't do anything that raises awareness." Either that or the "Jesus! Repent!" lady in the background.

Last Exit Bar and Lounge

While we remain partial to Blue & Gold here at NYiR there's nights when you just don't want to go to Manhattan for a drink. Thus we are officially endorsing Last Exit Bar and Lounge as our go-to hidden gem in Brooklyn. Besides the beautiful artwork (see above) they have action figures for each of their bartenders. They show Freaks and Geeks every Sunday night. Just for moving into the neighborhood (and get this, avoiding realtor fees!) they gave us a free round. And if all of the decor, entertainment, and accommodation isn't enough to tempt you there check out this out:

A bust of His Holiness Michael Jackson himself.

I guess this week it's New York Kids are Ridiculous

Yep, let's call a spade a spade. It's ridiculous kids week at NYiR. Here's a great article about kids landing your planes at JFK. Apparently employees at the Kennedy Airport air-traffic control tower are now under federal investigation for allowing some kid on spring break to give directions to pilots. Geez kid, was Daytona closed?

In other news, I clearly don't know where kids go for spring break these days.

More gang warefare in Brooklyn: Strollers v. Hipsters

Just a month ago we reported on the Hipster v. Hebrew warfare taking place in Williamsburg.

CNN has just broke the story on the latest brewhaha - Hipster v. Strollers in Park Slope. According to their correspondents:

Single hipsters and others without (and sometimes with) kids complain about being asked to watch their language, to not smoke outdoors near strollers and to keep their drunk friends under control so as not to scare the little ones. They don't want to feel pressure to play peekaboo. They want to cry over their beers, they say, without having an infant drown them out. If anyone is spitting up, they want it to be them.

The gang warfare supposedly ignited about two years ago when our beloved Union Hall, a popular stomping ground, banned strollers from the premises. Apparently a team of babies beat a group of NYU students wearing skinny jeans in the championship bocce game and isht went down. Union Hall has since rescinded the no-stroller policy but the war rages on.

Thank you CNN, for covering this important story. I hear there is something going on in Chile and something else happened in Haiti recently but this is really the news that is fit to print.

Because Times Square wasn't scary enough

Gazillions of tourists come to New York City each year. The lines are too long for the boat that takes you to see Lady Liberty and museums are BORING after a few hours so the ADHD tourists flock to Times Square. There they can see how expensive Broadway shows are and watch billboards flicker by. And soon enough they will be able to be take home the magic of Sea World while in the belly of the beast of New York.

That's right folks, there's plans afoot for a seven-story aquarium to come to 11 Times Square. As early as September 2011 you will be able to take your out-of-town cousin to be terrified by illegal Obama ads and killer whales who may or may not eat their trainers AT THE SAME TIME. Afterward go see if that prick of a giraffe at Toys R Us will try to talk you into coming to his bday partay at Dave and Busters. All this excitement in just a few blocks. What a city.