The Return of the Spelling

Die hard fans like yourself may recall that close to a year ago we reported on Tori Spelling's posters being defaced in subway tunnels around the city.

Well good news NYC! Tori Spelling's back with a new show and new graffiti art to match. We found this piece of art in the Carroll St F train stop.


The above gives you the basic flavor of Tori's new look. Obviously that adorable baby from before has grown up and is a total pothead:
Some of you may say, "That's despicable! He's only a child!" Hold on there Daffy Duck. Check out the pic without the blunt:

That kid looks high as f*ck. Which marketing genius thought this was a flattering photo? The kid is clearly tripping balls and thinks he's got the family maid and butler on marionette strings. I mean, what else could he possibly be doing with that gesture? Speaking of gestures, what's up with Mr. Tori Spelling?
Why would you ever pose like that? Is he ACTING? Is he doing a bollywood dance? Is he changing an imaginary light bulb? Listen Mr. Tori Spelling, you pose like that in NYC you're basically asking for this to happen:


Just like last time you remain the boner champ.

Last but not least I have to point out that Tori's head-giving abilities as espoused by the previous poster must have caught up with her because now she is a devilish and domestic sex symbol that even the dog wants to get with.

Wait, what? Her kid's a druggie and her husband fondles balls but she for some reason knows how to cook (note the serving fork), is dressed like a sexy devil and is all of a sudden attractive to other beings? Hmm...no...it couldn't be.

My god. It is. NYiR late-breaking story: Tori Spelling is the artist.

I guess this week it's New York Kids are Ridiculous

Yep, let's call a spade a spade. It's ridiculous kids week at NYiR. Here's a great article about kids landing your planes at JFK. Apparently employees at the Kennedy Airport air-traffic control tower are now under federal investigation for allowing some kid on spring break to give directions to pilots. Geez kid, was Daytona closed?

In other news, I clearly don't know where kids go for spring break these days.

Weekend Bulletin!

Thanks and praises be to the lovely Victoria Gerstman for writing up this weekend's bulletin of events. She is cool and you should take her advice. I often do.

Tonight, dig out your most outrageous duds and pay tribute to New York's unofficial spokeswoman at the The Flame Monster Ball at Mix in Astoria [editor's note: I know, it's Queens. Just keep an open mind for once in your life]. The clientele at Mix aren't exactly known for their restraint [editor's note: neither are you], so tonight's event should be one heck of a time whether you're a Lady Gaga enthusiast or not (do you see how I resisted saying goo goo for Gaga? Do you?)

On Friday and Saturday nights you'll have the once in a lifetime (maybe, probably not) chance to catch Ben Bailey from Cash Cab doing stand up at Comix. Wait. You don't know what Cash Cab is? Why, it is only the most important television show of our time. After Jersey Shore, that is. [last editor's note for realsies: you need to click on that link] Anyway, Ben Bailey is bound to be hilarious.



Saturday evening also brings us the 2nd Annual Cassoulet Cookoff at Jimmy's No. 43. Nothing like a fancy French version of stew to warm your winter-weary bones.

If snobby French stew doesn't quite do it for you, cut your losses and head to the Tribeca 92Y for a Muppets Take Manhattan Sing-a-long. I almost didn't want to tell you guys about this, cuz I don't want to fight the crowds. But I am nice, so here are the details.

When you're done sleeping off your Sunday morning Muppet-hangover, pop over to the NY Historical Society for everyone's favorite way to spend a day - a murder mystery! What fun!

It may be a three day weekend, but that doesn't mean you should spend the whole day on your ratty sofa, reading NYiR archives. Instead, do that, and then get yourself into Manhattan for an MLK-themed walking tour. Led by eighth graders (aww)! Meet at the Ghandi statue in Union Square at 10 am for "A Peace of the Dream: Living MLK's Dream in a Turbulent World."

Toys 'R Us: Where a 27 year old can be a kid

I know, NYiR fans, that Statue of Liberty didn't used to have a screen behind it. But guess what? IT'S NOT REAL! IT'S MADE OF LEGOS! Yeah, isn't that a mind freak. But there you go, welcome to the Toys 'R Us in Times Square.

Ok, it's not all LEGOs, although you have to admit the Apollo theater next to the Flatiron is pretty awesome. Wander into this fabulous land and you'll realize that A) it's not just for kids and B) toys are SO much cooler than when you were a young 'in. I highly recommend the ferris wheel:Yeah, that's Superman in the background. We're like, BFFs now. I totally helped him catch that truck. It's a good thing too considering it was merely minutes later when my girlfriend was attacked by this dinosaur in the Jurassic Park area:
It came to life and roared and moved around and it was awesome. The only not awesome part of the whole thing? This douchebag who, just because he's on all the logos, thinks he owns the place:
Geez, Geoffrey the Giraffe, were you too busy to attend the personal space seminar during employee orientation? Or is it that you're too cool for skool because your face is on all the merchandise? Somebody call security, this giraffe is a creep!

The Times Square Toys 'R Us also features a Candy Land and a booth that you can take a picture and have them photoshop you into your own puzzle. All very worth the trip and the crowds, so long as you don't have to share an elevator with that giraffe. He'd probably push his own button, look straight at you without asking to push your's, then immediately get on his cell phone to Mickey Mouse about something stupid he did at a party last night. No one cares how SHWASTED you were. Dumb giraffe.

Yeah, this is normal

A while back New York is Ridiculous posted a ground-breaking story about a flying fish subway art piece. To prove that the subway system is curated by one-year-olds I'd like to point out this totally normal scene that you would find any day on Christopher St.

Here we have a pimp with two Amish prostitutes (three if you count the pidgeon) and a brothel owner that specializes in trolls.

This mural is one of three featured at the Christopher St. subway stop entitled "The Greenwich Village murals." The artist, Lee Brozgol, led students at PS 41 in making this mural which apparently is about "Providers." So, in other words some androgynously named Lee thought it was a good idea to force kids to depict pimps lording over their peers and call it art. Thanks Lee Brozgol for teaching the kids of New York City that pimps can still bring home the bacon, so long as these kids keep selling themselves into their service.

To read a more biased yet official position on these murals click here.

SloBitches

Are you a member of the Park Slope Food Coop, wear hemp sandals, feed your child only organic veggies, breastfeed at the Tea Lounge and are mean to me/everyone? Chances are you are a Park Slope mom.

As a Park Slope resident (what what!) I've gotten used to not being able to leave my house between 2 - 4 pm as schools get out and these mothers roam the streets like zombies weighed down by whiny balls of Osh Kosh B'gosh. I live above a restaurant so I'm okay with having to step around strollers parked directly in front of my door every morning even though they could be parked next to the table and not in my way where I will purposefully kick them. I'm fine with waiting while order after order gets sent back at the local Starbucks because low fat milk was put in coffee instead of no fat (HOW DO YOU KNOW? HOW!?!?). Yet despite my immeasurable patience these women still grind my gears.

Why you may ask? Check out this story where a Park Slope mom is all like, "My kid is a brat and wants ice cream and I'm a bitch and won't give it to her so I think the best solution is for ice cream trucks to no longer exist."

Not enough for you? Then how about this one where a Park Slope mom is all "your dog weighs ten pounds and shits butterflies but I'm sure he will rip my child's face off as soon as it sees a swing set."

Is nothing sacred anymore Park Slope moms? That's it. Time for another acronym. You are stupid and annoying and you exhaust me Park Slope moms. That is why from henceforth you will be known as Stupid Annoying Park Slope Bitches Creating Really Annoying Zany Young'ins (S.A.P.S. B. C.R.A.Z.Y.). That's too long. I will just call you SloBitches. That almost sounds Jewish. Like you.

For further coverage on this important issue please visit our new friend fuckedinparkslope.com. We salute you fellow bloggity-blog! So much so that you have now joined the ranks of blogs we love to the right. We look forward to referencing you alllll the time in the future.

NYC Prep kids f*ck anything that moves, soccer balls get lucky

Look at how cute and young they are! Nothing against the Gossip Girl cast but these kids from the reality TV show NYC Prep are ACTUALLY 15-17! Not 3,124 (Ed Westwick). I like that they tried to get an Ed Westwick/Chuck character here though (third from right). Look at how badass he is. He wears scarves. And is moody. And, like Ed Westwick, he may or may not be gay (NSFW LMAO U QT PI!).

Also, while the cast of Gossip Girl may sleep with one another before falling into exhaustive cuddling and drama these tweens just f*ck anything that moves. There's one scene where Sebastian (second from the left) and Taylor (far right) are taking a walk in the snow and kicking a soccer ball. Taylor, age 15, gets sorta confused and you worry for a second that she might start making out with the soccer ball just because it's more active than the douche she's walking with.

If you want to watch one episode to try NYC Prep out go for number 3 where Chamille (third from the left) is on a date with some random dude she doesn't like and keeps telling him he's annoying then gets in a cab to blow him on the way back to his place. Seriously. I still would be fine hanging out with Leighton Mouseters of Gossip Girl but if I ever see someone from NYC Prep I'm covering myself in saran wrap and checking into the nearest STD clinic. But enough about me. Check the video below for a funny introduction to these kids.

Congratulations on being born stupid baby

New York is Ridiculous would like to congratulate guest blogger Dave Perrin and his wife Anne Keenan on making a baby. Little newyorkisridiculous.blogspot.com (actual kid's name) was born last Thursday a full eight pounds and very healthy. So congrats to Dave and Anne and as for you baby well...I imagine the first thing you did after exiting your mother's womb is look at my rant about babies. So you know how I feel about you. You know.

Longest Line Ever for Marionette Show

Special thanks to our guest blogger David Perrin for so beautifully capturing this event:

Recently I spotted a really long line in Central Park. I'm used to standing on long lines for clubs and restaurants and Trader Joe's. But this line got me really excited because it led right up to the Swedish Cottage.

The Cottage has the oldest Marionette Theatre in America (that I could find). It was originally built as Sweden's exhibit for the 1876 Centiennial Expo in Philly, after which Fred Olmsted (hot urban designer that he was) moved it here to CP to function as a bathroom and cafeteria. The Marionette Theatre seats a capacity of 100 (three-yr old sized humans) so I'm not sure how the 5,614 people camped out on this this footpath were all going to get in. Rumor has it that a gaggle of 12 year olds were drugged by their parents and dragged here to sleep overnight on the sidewalk to be among the lucky ticket holders for Peter Pan the next morning.


I was somewhat perplexed by the current fascination in woody Peter and his stringy friends since the current production has been going since last October. The few drowsy line-waiters that I polled told me that waiting on this line is something every interesting NY'er should do before they move on to Minneapolis or Santa Fe.

Notice in this picture the ironic flute player serenading the woozy marionette fans. When I asked the Park Ranger about his beat he said he was supposed to be convincing people that Anne Hathaway was more interesting in 12th Night than Wendy Darling ever would be. As you can tell he was having no luck, not even when he tried an impromptu reading from the 12th Night script, because no one on line would even look at him.

Turns out that everyone was disappointed this particular day because the actor playing Peter went awol, snipped his strings and disappeared from his sleeping quarters. The note he left read, "I'm going to see the real Neverland that Michael built because it will soon be as overrun and as spoiled as Graceland. Besides I need to do more character research on kids who don't want to grow up - I'm beginning to sound a bit like Daniel Radcliffe in my role (yuck). And the Lost Boys are really pissing me off. I need a break. Back before Saturday. Signed, big Peter."

Subway graffiti

Poor Tori Spelling. It's hard enough that she has to make a living off of how boring her life is but now every time she's in New York City she will have to suffer through the unique art of subway graffiti. Let's take this poster. Looks pretty normal right? Mom, Dad, two kids, all chilling like douchebags. But let's take a closer look:

Now how the artist knows that this guy who I presume is Tori Spelling's latest husband, is a champion at boners? Or that Tori Spelling can give head? The artist must have done a tremendous amount of research to have such insights!

Or maybe he just saw her latest tattoo and got a hint of her interests? Well thank you for this in-depth perspective on the modern-day Hollywood nuclear family Mr. or Ms. Subway Artist. I am sure Tori will feel very at home next time she visits. And that her kid's first sentence will be "dada is...a boner champ."

My apologies to those who are not used to such graphic imagery (ie non-New Yorkers). I am going to make it a rule that only crude images that are already publicly displayed will be shown on this blog. Unless my mom calls me and tells me this is gross and has to come down (hi Mom! how's Florida?).

Personally speaking I abhor this type of public art which attempts to make me think. I'm much more into direct messages like this one spotted at Hugs in Williamsburg on Saturday:

He sure does.

Michael Jackson Tributes

It is indeed a time for the great city of New York to mourn. First off who doesn't love Farrah Fawcett? Bachelor number two does. He wants to make love the national past-time! And then there is the death of Michael Jackson. Oh MJ. Oh oh oh MJ. This is indeed a national tragedy.

However, Michael Jackson lives on in New York City. For one, beginning yesterday at 4:00 PM you couldn't walk down the street without some car blaring "Billie Jean." Also, if you gather a large enough crowd and attempt to invoke him he will come to you, take over your body, and make you dance. As is witnessed at the gathering outside the Apollo last night (1:20 into the video above).

Last but not least, while the Flying Man may have been the big hit of last summer NYiR predicts that in 2009 the summer dance will be..........the moonwalk. Yes, it is coming back. You will see it at all the clubs and your friend will turn to you and you will catch his eye and shake your head and he will say "It was too soon" and you will both think "Well, maybe before all those pedophile rumors would have been better" and then you will respond, "Yeah. Too too soon."

Goodbye MJ. New York loves you.