The Lighting District

When you tell someone you live in New York City there are two possible options:
1) They don't live in New York. In this case they say, "Oh, where abouts?" and you can say, "Brooklyn" and they will say "Ah! How quaint."
2) They live in New York. In this case they will say "Where?" and you will have to tell them the borough, neighborhood, street address, and notable restaurants that are nearby.

For example if you met someone new at a bar in Manhattan and they asked you where you lived you would say: Brooklyn. "Where abouts in Brooklyn?" Fort Greene. "Where in Fort Greene." N. Oxford. "Oh, you mean S. Oxford." No, no. N. Oxford. "What's that near?" An awesome Halloween party. Then, "Ah! How quaint. My sister lived in Fort Greene 20 years ago." Then you talk about that.

However, out of all of the many neighborhoods and sub-neighborhoods and streets and districts one can be deemed more ridiculous than all the others in New York: The Lighting District.

For those of you who are not from New York, this is not a red light district. No, this is a district devoted to lighting. Light bulbs, light fixtures, light switches, and those light paper lanterns that you see at Urban Outfitters.

It was formerly a chunk of Manhattan. Over time this whole internet shopping thing has caught on and that, matched with greedy developers trying to ruin quaint neighborhoods (see? I do it too) has led to a downturn in the lighting fixture industry's presence in the city. The lighting district is now only Bowery St. between Grand and Broome.

If you do live in New York City you may have stumbled across it as it's inches from all the bars and clubs of the Lower East Side. You may not have realized at all and, in your drunken stupor, thought the Lighthouse a nautical themed club. No, it sells chandeliers.

If you do happen to stumble across the lighting district please buy a light bulb in order to keep these places in business. Preserve historical/ridiculous New York! Or something.

BREAKING NEWS: Another ridiculous thing - a lady gave birth on the L train today. Click here for the story.

NYC Prep kids f*ck anything that moves, soccer balls get lucky

Look at how cute and young they are! Nothing against the Gossip Girl cast but these kids from the reality TV show NYC Prep are ACTUALLY 15-17! Not 3,124 (Ed Westwick). I like that they tried to get an Ed Westwick/Chuck character here though (third from right). Look at how badass he is. He wears scarves. And is moody. And, like Ed Westwick, he may or may not be gay (NSFW LMAO U QT PI!).

Also, while the cast of Gossip Girl may sleep with one another before falling into exhaustive cuddling and drama these tweens just f*ck anything that moves. There's one scene where Sebastian (second from the left) and Taylor (far right) are taking a walk in the snow and kicking a soccer ball. Taylor, age 15, gets sorta confused and you worry for a second that she might start making out with the soccer ball just because it's more active than the douche she's walking with.

If you want to watch one episode to try NYC Prep out go for number 3 where Chamille (third from the left) is on a date with some random dude she doesn't like and keeps telling him he's annoying then gets in a cab to blow him on the way back to his place. Seriously. I still would be fine hanging out with Leighton Mouseters of Gossip Girl but if I ever see someone from NYC Prep I'm covering myself in saran wrap and checking into the nearest STD clinic. But enough about me. Check the video below for a funny introduction to these kids.

Hipster or Homeless (.com?)

According to the NY Daily News the hipsters are invading Williamsburg! Oh, wait. The homeless? Is it homeless people? But I thought they were uber-thin, wore vintage outfits and did heroin? Oh. The homeless can do that too?

Well this is going to be confusing! One homeless gentleman said, "The girls here like it that I'm dirty and I ride trains." I bet they do! In fact I bet Williamsburg is becoming heaven for homeless men in their twenties.

All of this makes me recall our post of old about lookatthisfuckinghipster.com. Maybe it's time we had a williamsburghipsterorhomeless.com? Those two blogs would end up going to war with each other over who gets to use which pic. (and yes I know that there is a lame version of hipsterorhomeless.com. but it's lame and has lame pictures that are neither hipster or homeless and clearly no one is taking that isht too seriously)

For anyone who is still confused about the difference between a homeless person and a hipster here is an educational video for you.

photo courtesy of NY Daily News

Gallery shows

If you move to New York City and have a friend or the capacity to make a friend you will undoubtedly be invited to an art gallery show within your first week. You might get all excited. You might say, "Yeah! This is why I moved to this city. To be in the hub of culture and art!" And you, my friend, are in for a treat.

Here are some things I have learned in my short time in New York City:

1) The art community does not need to eat or sleep. They just live off of Charlie Shaw wine.
2) Don't ask what the theme of the show will be. You will never understand.
3) If it is a photo exhibit the work reflects the effect globalization has had on migrant workers in Alaska. Yet somehow each photo was shot at Coney Island or Central Park...
4) ...unless the artist owns a backpack in which case avoid the room that has seats in it because there will be a slide show.
5) Do not be surprised if you leave the gallery saying, "Maybe I should do some art. I could do some cool stuff like that!" Everyone else left and thought the same thing. Yet after going to one of these shows a week you become glad you never acted on the impulse.

With all of that said some gallery shows can be fun and once in a blue moon you find a piece that actually moves you. Like the in-depth commentary about underwear above. I think it was done by Japanese tourists though.

Young Orthodox Girls (YOGs)

If you live in New York you know that a few times a year you will be cruising through your day, thinking about how you like sportz and you'll be rudely interrupted by a Lubavitch Jew who will be all like, "Excuse me, are you Jewish?" Of course, that will only happen if you're a 6'7" African American Christian that does not remotely look Jewish. Because that's how they roll.

After years of going up to individuals and asking them if they are Jewish maybe these Hasidic chaps might have honed their craft a bit considering there are 6,682,139 Jews in this city. Maybe, just maybe they could spot a Jew if he walked by them and let slip an "Oy gevalt. This weather!" But no.

I live in Brooklyn and ethnically speaking I'm one of the 2,359,578 Jews roaming this borough. I'm used to older Jewish gentlemen approaching people on the street trying to identify fellow Jews and get them to temple. I'm also getting used to being ignored by them. No matter how Jewish I try to make myself look I get no attention. And I look Jewish! Now that's a big piece of cake to swallow.

And get this: the other day a fresh squad hit the streets (above). Dear 14-year-old girls, you're a bit young to be trying to find that ideal mate. Stop asking everyone except me if they're Jewish! It's like you're trying to kill two gefilte fish with one matzo ball with this whole raising awareness of the faith and your perpetual desperation. Go on Jdate like every celebrity who can't get some loving. You are so ridiculous that you have earned your own epithet: YOGs (Young Orthodox Girls). Ladies and gentlemen, you heard it here first.

But seriously, what is it Lubavitches? Is it because I look Jewish and it would be too obvious to talk to me? Am I too intimidating to you? Is it because I've been working out hardcore? Or because you're worried I might engage you in a debate? In any case I'm sick and tired of being ignored YOGs. Come hang out with me.

The Box

The Box looks pretty classy right? It is if you define classy as an odd mix of $17 cocktails, burlesque, and cocaine. Which I do. On Gossip Girl it's owned by this guy which automatically makes it cool. But still, The Box is ridiculous! Here is a fun quiz to illustrate:

Which one of these things have I NOT seen at The Box:
A) A transexual picking up a bottle with her ass
B) Two women wearing Bert and Ernie heads making love to one another with a double-sided dildo
C) Ed Westwick

I hope you picked all of the above because that is true. Yes the pretend Box owner visits the real Box and I'm visiting the Box because I pretended to be someone famous in order to drink $17 drinks. Once again, a sign that art imitates life imitating me.

It is a very fun place to go though. The shows are wild and all but if you're in a more intimate mood swing a right at the top of the stairs and you'll find yourself in a curtained room that features your very own stripper pole. Did you know that those poles rotate? That's how all those neat lil tricks get done.

Here's a video from the Box that'll make you either 100% sure that you want to go or want it to close down immediately. My apologies for the bad link before - the previously linked to video was taken down because of "infringement" which probably means it was infringing on people's sensibilities. This one is much more tasteful.

Gossip Girl

Ok I will admit it did not take much coaxing from my girlfriend to start watching this show. The ridiculous thing about it though is that while it's all nice and good to enjoy seeing teenagers get drunk and sleep around and stab each other in the back (VANESSA) the real joy comes from the fact that the whole thing takes place on the Upper East Side.

These rich teens hang out at The Box and go to Socialista and have lunch on the steps of the Metropolitan. So that's fun. Because I do those things too.

And get this: the real life cast members do those things as well. Talk about art imitating life imitating silly television shows imitating me! This means I (and other people I know) have run into the cast a trabillion times.

Never the right ones at the right time though. I think the only one I really wanna meet is Leighton Mouseters. No relation to this douchebag. That would be more like art imitating lameness incarnate imitating this dog. Or this one (j/k V! call u l8r).

Here's some do's and don't's for all you romantics out there, learned from the show.