More gang warefare in Brooklyn: Strollers v. Hipsters

Just a month ago we reported on the Hipster v. Hebrew warfare taking place in Williamsburg.

CNN has just broke the story on the latest brewhaha - Hipster v. Strollers in Park Slope. According to their correspondents:

Single hipsters and others without (and sometimes with) kids complain about being asked to watch their language, to not smoke outdoors near strollers and to keep their drunk friends under control so as not to scare the little ones. They don't want to feel pressure to play peekaboo. They want to cry over their beers, they say, without having an infant drown them out. If anyone is spitting up, they want it to be them.

The gang warfare supposedly ignited about two years ago when our beloved Union Hall, a popular stomping ground, banned strollers from the premises. Apparently a team of babies beat a group of NYU students wearing skinny jeans in the championship bocce game and isht went down. Union Hall has since rescinded the no-stroller policy but the war rages on.

Thank you CNN, for covering this important story. I hear there is something going on in Chile and something else happened in Haiti recently but this is really the news that is fit to print.

I can only imagine a Romeo and Jewliet coming out of this...

Gang warfare gets ugly in Williamsburg

There seems to be a long-running dispute between the hipsters and the Hebrews that share the lovely neighborhood of Williamsburg. While we normally make a fair amount of fun of both groups on this blog this time it's over something serious: bike lanes.

From Pete's Candy Store: Just before Christmas, 2009, a war broke out on the bike lanes of Williamburg. On one side: the Hassidic Jewish community of the Southside, who had advocated--successfully--for Mayor Bloomberg to remove the Bedford Ave Bike lane. Their ostensible reason: Too much rolling flesh on display from the biker community. On the other side: A coalition of bikesters, whose defiance led them to re-paint the bike lanes, and threaten a topless ride in protest (it was snowed out in the blizzard of '09).

So here we have the Hasidic neighborhood being all like, "Those capri pants offend me! Get that boy off that bike!" while the hipsters are all like, "Call us bikesters. Trust fund. Cocaine. Indie rock." That round went to the law in this land and Bloomberg came down on the side of the YOGs. Then the hipsters were like, "Let's show them how gross we are! Yeah civil liberties and bike-riding! In your face THE MAN!" That quickly became, "It's cold out so let's do coke by the fire."

According to Gothamist two hipsters waited until a nice temperate evening before committing mild civil disobedience by repainting some of the bike lanes. They then got chilly and proceeded to turn themselves in. Pete's Candy Store is hosting an "Open City Dialogue" to try to moderate these two parties before there are any more citizens lost to, and I quote, "criminal mischief charges." The horror! At least it's a cause worth dying fighting talking for.

This YOB has a big announcement...

...he's gonna be a real boy soon! Devoted readers will recall our write up of Young Orthodox Girls (YOGs). Here we have a real live Young Orthodox Boy! I was on my phone when he asked me if I was Jewish (he was asking everyone. he's more desperate than a YOG) and when I replied with an affirming nod he began talking my ear off. The conversation went something like this:

Lodro leaving a voice message: Hey, I was just wondering what you're up to tonight...
YOB: Wanna do a prayer with me?
Lodro: ...I'm on my way to the gym and...
YOB: Hey! It only takes ten seconds!
Lodro: ...I think after I'll be pretty hungry so I was thinking...
YOB: I'm gonna walk with you. Then when you're done we can do it together!
Lodro: ...that maybe we could do Chinese, or Japanese, or something...
YOB now climbing on my back and hitting me with the lulav: I can't wait to get you more Jewish!

That's basically how it went. I left a long voicemail, he had the attention span of a 12 1/2 year old boy, and then he found a SloBitch to harrass instead (pictured above mistaking the lulav for corn and asking if it's organic/from the Park Slope Coop).

Anyway, the real boy comment is not the actual announcement. The real announcement from NYiR will be released tomorrow. It's big. Real big. So lose sleep wondering over it ok? Thanks!

Bath houses are great for morning afters

The best cure for a hangover in NYC has got to be the bathes. Be they Russian, Turkish, or Jewish (yes, Jewish) the best thing to do for yourself is get a bloody mary from the SoHo Grand and once refueled go sweat out every bad decision you made the night before.

My personal Manhattan-based favs are the Wall St Bath & Spa and the Russian and Turkish Baths. Let's explore:

Wall St Bath & Spa is the sorta place you can take that girl/guy/vacuum cleaner that ended up in your bed last night to smooth the transition into the daylight hours and see if she/he/it is at all interesting/interested in you. Bring a magazine and plan on staying for hours and hours because all you'll do is want to go back and forth from the steam rooms to the jacuzzi/pool area. Sounds nice right? If you're a cigar enthusiast I highly recommend the smoking lounge where you can feel totally ludicrous sitting in the fancy leather chairs while wearing your swim trunks.

The Russian and Turkish Baths are a little more...hardcore. I imagine that's where the above Abu Ghraibesque photo was taken. There's no luxurious jacuzzi tub, just the cold dip pool you can pop into between steam rooms which makes you have past-life flashbacks of when you were a penguin and all your other penguin friends knocked you off of the ice and into the water. Still it's somehow a nice thing to do in between sweats.

Then there's the guys that walk around and offer to beat you (hello Chris Brown, job opportunity!!!). As their website states, "Lie down while in the Russian Room and a platza specialist will scrub you (actually beat you) with a broom made of fresh oak leaves, sopping with olive oil soap. The oak leaves contain a natural astringent, which will open your pours, remove toxins, and actually take off layers of dead skin. Some described the platza as 'Jewish acupuncture.'" I won't touch that last line it's too good already.

My friend Dave got a treat one time while at the Russian and Turkish Baths. While changing in the locker room a man came up to him and offered a sample massage. Dave took him up on that and...well...at that point I had to leave because of the noises he was making. That and the fact that I was giggling. That guy definitely did not work there Dave. But hey, a massage is a massage right? Guy time!


photo courtesy of TimeOut New York

Russ and Daughters Deli

Special thanks to our guest blogger David Perrin for covering our first bagel-serving establishment. May there be many more posts on this important topic.

'Russ and Daughters' is not the name of the last porno I watched. But it should be. Located sorta in Loisaida on Houston's street (Lois Aida is actually a really sexy lady - I had a pinup of her in high school) this uberdeli is chock full of smelly stuff to rub on your bagels. I'm a fan of getting schmeared so that's what I get.

But you don't have to be a bialy to have fun with Russ and his daughters. Herring connoisseurs from around the world (mostly the Ukraine) come to sample the curried herring, the swedish matjes, and the scmaltz fillets. I'm getting that funny feeling inside just telling you about it! Look how happy this guy is:

They have dried fruits too. You can get a gift package called 'Kiss from the Sea' - how hot is that! Martha Stewart loves this place, which I'm sorta embarrassed about. But on those days when I'm not feeling manly enough... like I'm Heebin' but I'm not quite Super Heebin' then I head on down to Russ, tell his daughters to jack my Whitefish sandwich with Wasabi Flying Fish Roe and watch out ladies!! BOOM! This Reform Jew is ready to pepper his mackerel and make a blini outta dat ass!!!

For more information about Jews please click here or to learn how to dance at Russ and Daughters click here.

Do YOU have a something ridiculous about New York that you want to post about? OMG lettuce c it!

SloBitches

Are you a member of the Park Slope Food Coop, wear hemp sandals, feed your child only organic veggies, breastfeed at the Tea Lounge and are mean to me/everyone? Chances are you are a Park Slope mom.

As a Park Slope resident (what what!) I've gotten used to not being able to leave my house between 2 - 4 pm as schools get out and these mothers roam the streets like zombies weighed down by whiny balls of Osh Kosh B'gosh. I live above a restaurant so I'm okay with having to step around strollers parked directly in front of my door every morning even though they could be parked next to the table and not in my way where I will purposefully kick them. I'm fine with waiting while order after order gets sent back at the local Starbucks because low fat milk was put in coffee instead of no fat (HOW DO YOU KNOW? HOW!?!?). Yet despite my immeasurable patience these women still grind my gears.

Why you may ask? Check out this story where a Park Slope mom is all like, "My kid is a brat and wants ice cream and I'm a bitch and won't give it to her so I think the best solution is for ice cream trucks to no longer exist."

Not enough for you? Then how about this one where a Park Slope mom is all "your dog weighs ten pounds and shits butterflies but I'm sure he will rip my child's face off as soon as it sees a swing set."

Is nothing sacred anymore Park Slope moms? That's it. Time for another acronym. You are stupid and annoying and you exhaust me Park Slope moms. That is why from henceforth you will be known as Stupid Annoying Park Slope Bitches Creating Really Annoying Zany Young'ins (S.A.P.S. B. C.R.A.Z.Y.). That's too long. I will just call you SloBitches. That almost sounds Jewish. Like you.

For further coverage on this important issue please visit our new friend fuckedinparkslope.com. We salute you fellow bloggity-blog! So much so that you have now joined the ranks of blogs we love to the right. We look forward to referencing you alllll the time in the future.

Young Orthodox Girls (YOGs)

If you live in New York you know that a few times a year you will be cruising through your day, thinking about how you like sportz and you'll be rudely interrupted by a Lubavitch Jew who will be all like, "Excuse me, are you Jewish?" Of course, that will only happen if you're a 6'7" African American Christian that does not remotely look Jewish. Because that's how they roll.

After years of going up to individuals and asking them if they are Jewish maybe these Hasidic chaps might have honed their craft a bit considering there are 6,682,139 Jews in this city. Maybe, just maybe they could spot a Jew if he walked by them and let slip an "Oy gevalt. This weather!" But no.

I live in Brooklyn and ethnically speaking I'm one of the 2,359,578 Jews roaming this borough. I'm used to older Jewish gentlemen approaching people on the street trying to identify fellow Jews and get them to temple. I'm also getting used to being ignored by them. No matter how Jewish I try to make myself look I get no attention. And I look Jewish! Now that's a big piece of cake to swallow.

And get this: the other day a fresh squad hit the streets (above). Dear 14-year-old girls, you're a bit young to be trying to find that ideal mate. Stop asking everyone except me if they're Jewish! It's like you're trying to kill two gefilte fish with one matzo ball with this whole raising awareness of the faith and your perpetual desperation. Go on Jdate like every celebrity who can't get some loving. You are so ridiculous that you have earned your own epithet: YOGs (Young Orthodox Girls). Ladies and gentlemen, you heard it here first.

But seriously, what is it Lubavitches? Is it because I look Jewish and it would be too obvious to talk to me? Am I too intimidating to you? Is it because I've been working out hardcore? Or because you're worried I might engage you in a debate? In any case I'm sick and tired of being ignored YOGs. Come hang out with me.