It's coming...

Begun in 1992, Restaurant Week has become a New York City institution. Over 260 restaurants throughout the five boroughs will offer special prix-fixe menus next week. Three-course lunches will go for $24.07 (don't ask me why the seven cents) and dinners for $35. I know, you New Yorkers already knew most of this and you non-New Yorkers hate when I rub this sort of thing in but consider this your reminder to book a reservation or move to the city. One of the two. Your choice. Click the link for a full list of participating restaurants.

Weekend Bulletin!

Ok folks. Here's what's up this weekend:

Tonight go to Ellis Bar at 627 5th Ave in BeeKay (Brooklyn) for their 1 cent beers. Yes. 1 penny. I bet you wish you were stingier with the local homeless now huh? Well don't be Scrooge because it only lasts from 9-9:30 and then 11-11:30. Go for the beer, stay for the karaoke.

Made a new year resolution to bring out the inner child in you? Really? You did? Oh. I woulda said, "Clean up around the house more" but whatevs. Anyway, head to the corner of Broad St and Wall St Saturday at 2 pm for a chaos-inducing game of freeze tag.

Then head over to the Gershwin Theater for Michael Alan's Draw-a-thon (the pic from above gives you some insight into what you're drawing). Having hosted these for four years now Michael Alan has decided to kick off 2010 with an "Artistic Revolution" based on the French Revolution where artists such as yourself (come'on you can draw!) show up to sketch models posing as the Virgin, the Aristocrat-Prostitute, the Bather, the Absinthe-Poisoned Mask Maker, the Drunken Rebel-Rouser, the Raffle Girl, and the Nude Visionary. You had me at model. Then lost me at Virgin. Then had me at Prostitute and Nude.

Then on Sunday go ride the subway without any pants. What a perfect weekend!

NYiR has found its cigar lounge

A man and his cigar lounge is a special relationship, particularly in New York City where you can no longer smoke indoors at most establishments. The mere existence of a cigar lounge thus harkens back to the days of yore when a man can slip on a suit, light up a cigar, and enjoy a scotch in the company of some good jazz.

Unfortunately most cigar lounges in New York City cater to finance douches (there, we said it). Many are based in midtown and descriptions accurately point out that they feel like an "Ivy League alumni club" for the "pinstripe-and-cuff-link variety." Not so at Velvet Cigars, the cigar lounge that New York is Ridiculous now officially endorses. While no dive it is a relaxed lounge where one can enjoy a smoke without feeling pretentious.

First things first: it's not huge. It's tiny actually. And the selection is also tiny. And they don't have alcohol.

So, you may wonder, why would we ever like it? Because of all those things. The size is just big enough for a dozen or fifteen people. It's not the sort of place that is packed so in other words it's not crowded, it's intimate. It's impossible to hang out there for a few hours without naturally meeting another patron who is enjoying a smoke and striking up a conversation.

The cigars are all excellent and are named after different parts of the East Village. I enjoyed an Astor the other day at the great rate of $6 per corona.

As for the alcohol they are a BYO place so we enjoyed good scotch by the bottle while smoking and hanging out. The service was excellent as well.

Velvet Cigars also gets bonus points for being directly across the street from NYiR's favorite bar: Blue & Gold. Velvet Cigars is located at 80 E. 7th between 1st and 2nd Ave. We'll see you there.

La Bagel Delight...because using the masculine "el" would be incorrect spanish

Let's forget for a moment that there is absolutely no reason for the "la" on the title of this place to exist and focus on how wonderful the bagels are. I'm not going to say they're the best bagels in New York City (for fear of bagel snobs stoning me with three-day old sesames) but they are certainly awesome. There's five locations (122 Seventh Avenue,284 Seventh Avenue, 90 Court Street, 104 Front Street and 73 Lafayette Avenue). That's right observant fans, two of those La Bagel Delights are on my street. I go to both. They are both awesome.

While the bagels are all fine and good it's the employees that make this place a favorite spot. You walk up to pay and the cashier goes, "Want my cat?" And someone from across the store will run over and say, "You don't want her cat, man; it's ugly. It's an ugly cat." Then each employee will come out of some hiding spot to weigh in about whether or not you should adopt this woman's cat while you quietly chuckle with your five dollar bill held out as if asking for mercy.

Anna Wintour will run for mayor

Over 700 clothing stores, designers, and hot dog vendors stayed open late last Thursday to celebrate Fashions Night Out, a new brainstorm from the lady who secretly runs this city, Fro Yo. Oh, sorry, I mean Anna Wintour. Most to all of these stores had free alcoholic treats for fashion-lovers and mooches such as myself. Because of the free booze and super mega sales it attracted massive crowds (see my official Fashions Night Out pic above).

According to the NY Daily Post good ol' Anna Wintour had Cynthia Rowley making jell-o shots and Oscar de la Renta singing to crowds in his own store all because she has Mayor Bloomberg by the balls. While he wanted to say "no" to this take over the city event he knew he would be run out of NYC. By me. Because I love going door to door like a 26-year-old trick-or-treater getting free booze. While waiting for the tardy twelve-term mayor Wintour was overhead saying, "“If he doesn't show, Diane [von Furstenberg] and I will run for mayor on a joint ticket and take over the city.”

If that means people getting all decked out in fashion's finest and turning all clothing stores into free champagne-flooded clubs she has NYiR's official endorsement.

In other news I'm on vacay so don't be bummed if I don't post 32534957 times this week. I'll be back next week. See you after I climb Mt. Awesome and ask the old man at the top why New York is so ridic. He'll probs be like, "Cause your blog reports it and thus it becomes reality" or some shiz.

Shoot the Freak at Coney Island

I just went to Coney Island for the first time last weekend which, as far as I can tell, is the Capitol of Ridiculous within the great state of New York City. You can experience Mets-league baseball, about-to-set-fire-to-the-wharf-fireworks, omg-i-am-sure-this-will-break-and-i-will-die-rides, and then you're walking along and all of a sudden someone yells at you, "Hey there ya freak in the blue shirt. With that freak of a girl. Ya you. Come shoot the freak you freak" and you turn around and there's this gentleman running around with a shield and a helmet like he's the last kid in dodge ball and he's alergic to styrofoam.

I'm not sure what makes this young man a freak. He seems like a normal "real live human" to me but maybe he's got a second head or lives with his mom in Jersey or something. What do you think makes someone want to be "the freak?" Was this a childhood ambition? Or is this poor man just trying to put himself through med school? In any case you can shoot him with paintballs very cheaply while someone yells at you to aim for his head. Watch as our frequent-posting author Ian Bascetta demonstrates:Ian suffered through 'Nam and when he ran out of paintballs he just went berserk, screamed, and started shooting air at the man. That freak freaked the f out and ran for it.

To see an in-depth report and watch the freak get shot click here.

Heathers has bear parts all up in your face

Sometimes when you live in New York City you meet up with a friend and say "There must be a good bar around here somewhere right?" and you wander and then you come to a frost-glass windowed establishment with a small sign with someone's name on it and you think, "Ah, this must be a bar" and half the time you walk into an apartment building.

Well, not with Heathers! Heathers is a real bar. Not someone's apartment building. Even though it's got the frost-glass and small sign and stuff. It's on 13th St between avenues A and B. What else does it have going for it? Well let's head to the bar. There's the $5 beer, the fact that there are gluten free beer options for all you glutenous nerds out there, and what's that there? Ah, they serve absinthe. Lovely.

Now let's check out the scene. Hipster, hipster, suit, hipster, co-existing peacefully, and...wait. What's that in the back? It's staring straight at me, baring deep into my soul. It's a bear. But it's not looking at me with it's eyes it's staring at me with its..........vagina. I want to look away but I can't. It's so big and so in my face that I will just sit here on my retro bar stool and stare at a bear's vagina until my friend tells me it's time to go.

So if you like small out of the way dive bars where hipsters and young professionals co-exist and a bear's vagina will put you in a trance then welcome home. You sicko.

Food for $1.00

Call me old but I remember the day when lots of things only cost $1.00. Food, comics, strippers, you name it. $1.00. Not anymore. If you live in cities like Boston or Los Angeles or New Jersey you cannot get anything for a dollar these days.

Say what you will about New York City being ridiculously expensive and how high rent is or how expensive strippers are here. If you want to eat food and only have Abraham Lincoln in your pocket you can live like a king.

Note the $1.00 slice above. That's cool. But expected. Pizza can generally get away with being cheap. Now here's a good one on St. Marks:

Yep. A full falafel for a buck. And it's yummy. Then there's all the cheap hot dog stands where you can get a hot dog for a $1 and a soda for another. And pretzels! Those giant awesome pretzels are only $1 sometimes.

Plus there's that coffee that comes in the "We are happy to serve you" cups which you can get for a dollar anywhere unless you think yourself clever and want to own your own mug like that for $12 (follow the link hipster king).

In fact, I would go so far as to say that you can live off of $1.00 food that you buy off street vendors. I may even try it for a week. Maybe. Probably not. It's still cool though. I like hot dogs.

Farrell's Bar & Grill

As the great sage peter d said of Farrell's, "This is not a first date bar. You're better off going with the crowd of mouth-breathing cretins you call friends." A fine way to think of the local cops and firemen that frequent this establishment peter d! Cheese whiz, have some respect. Speaking of respect is the term firemen sexist these days? Should I say firepeople? I will just call them stewardesses.

Farrell's is best known for its 32 ounce styrofoam cups filled with Budweiser (pictured above, clearly as big as my friends' faces). You can obtain such a cup yourself for $5. If you are a math genius or just clicked the link posted before then you will realize that after $20 and four rounds you will have drank a gallon of beer. A gallon! Can't finish that last cup? Ask them to put a lid on it and take it to go. Gotta love take out in New York City.

Farrell's is also known for its total lack of female patrons. It was a male only bar until the 1970s but this woman put the kibosh on that. Still, I think good old Shirley was the last woman in this place.

If you love drinking copious amounts of beer while feeling restrained because there's cops everywhere and hate looking at women then go to Farrell's Bar & Grill. Just don't ask for a food menu. Despite their name they don't serve food. Really.

Veniero's

Despite what it sounds like Veniero's is not an Italian STD clinic. It is a bakery that sells cannolis that are delicious and cost $1. Yes. $1. At this price even my new friend from Blue & Gold can afford it. I would marry canolis if I could. It would be the only wedding I would have in my whole life and my hair would be ruined!

In other news I need a vacation and so I'm going AFK (LOL!) for a while and as a result this blog may suffer. I'll post when I can but normal three times a week fanblogging will resume on the 21st. So don't freak out.

Blue & Gold

Scotch. I love the smell. I love the taste. I even love its eighties sound. But in New York City if you want to go out for a glass of good scotch you have to assume you're going to drop an Andrew Jackson or two. Not so at the Blue & Gold Tavern (79 E. 7th St). For $4 you can take your pick of Laphroaig, Macallan, or any of the greats. $4! At these prices anyone can afford to get drunk.

Yes I admit this is a dive bar. Sorry cast of Gossip Girl it is not your scene. The clientele can be a bit iffy at times. On the plus side there's a pool table, a decent juke box, and shot and beer specials such as the Dirty Hipster (Jager and PBR). I can drink and make fun of hipsters at the same time? That is oh so good.

You get four stars Blue & Gold. I will see you tonight. I'll be the guy drinking your cheap beautiful scotch by the jukebox getting hustled at pool by the drunk cat and playing Hanson's "Mmmbop" on repeat.