Models eat at Delicatessen, get foot rubs. I eat at delicatessen, get Tings.

Mark Amadei and Andrew Glassberg,

Long Island

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Long Island Wants to Secede
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Big news: Long Island finally wants to succeed at something. Wait, what's that? Oh, they want to secede. Well, that's big news too.

Now I have to admit as a newbie in New York City I haven't entirely pieced together what Long Island is. I think part of it exists at Libation, part of it exists in Italian men in a super tight v-necks, and the rests exists in a land of ridicule created by New Yorkers. Is that right? According to the video above though they seem to be the dicks of NYC and want to beat up New Jersey or Ireland, whichever is closer.

I don't have many Italian man friends in super tight v-necks so in order to explore Long Island I went to Libation one night with my friend Ian (hi Ian! thanks for taking care of my dog!). We met some young ladies who admitted to being "bridge and tunnel" girls. At first I thought that was a sexual thing but since they were all 24 and married I assumed it refers to their eating habits or something.

I'll leave you with a koan: why is Long Island undesirable to live in yet a desirable location to vacation? Someone has to explain that to me. I just don't get you Long Island. Good luck on secession, assuming you exist.

Fleet Week

New York is overflowing with sea...sailors. Sorry about that. Seriously, these fine men and women of the sea swamped the city last week. And boy did they pull tail. To get down to the bottom of this phenomenon I sat down with NYC sailing expert Marina K for an in-depth interview.

NYiR: So Marina, in your expert opinion, what is it about sailors that make them so successful with the ladies?
Marina K: They are wearing costumes.

That gets to the heart of it. For more analysis I took aside one of the sailors to ask him some very pointed questions while Marina blushed into her $4 top shelf scotch (Blue & Gold on e. 7th - more info about that to be posted soon).

NYiR: Now you sir are a sailor are you not?
Drunken Sailor: Oh yeah I am! Fleet week!
NYiR: Indeed. How many times do you dock and have these sorts of weeks?
DS: I usually get three, maybe four a year.
NYiR: And the ladies seem to enjoy your uniform. I imagine, and please correct me if I'm wrong, but does that mean that during a week such as this you would go home with many women?
DS: You see that booth over there? (pointing to from whence he came) I could take home any one of those four girls. All I've got to do is put my hat on them and they melt.
NYiR: That is indeed a fancy trick. And it works?
DS: Every time.

So ladies (and I imagine this goes for gentlemen too) - go do your country proud and get a sailor to loan you their hat. You too can melt! To everyone who has worn the hat this week in NYC, consider yourself saluted.

Oh, and a hot tip for anyone thinking about just renting a costume to get laid: it doesn't always work.